Hello, My Name Is…

When my friend Bill and I used to travel during grad school we always enjoyed assuming fake identities when we met people. We also spoke fake German on elevators and even posed as government agents a couple times.

In our favorite assumed identities, Bill would be a brilliant bassist from Pittsburgh, and I was a pro volleyball player ranked just high enough to be impressive but low enough that no one would doubt it.

A few times, when things got especially loose, Bill referred to me as Moonsauce Washington. Later, I introduced him to my family as Pirate Bill and the name stuck for a few years. Neighborhood children would ask when “Pirate Bill” was coming over.  

8 Lessons from Chicago

A couple weeks ago I took a quick 24 hour trip to Chicago for a marketing seminar hosted by by my wonderful agency, MacGregor Literary. Here are some things I learned that weekend.

1. I still don’t know what creme brulee is, even after eating it. But it’s good.

2. Marketing is knowing where your audience is and standing in front of them.

3. At a ritzy hotel restaurant, seasonal fruit means two slivers of strawberry.

4. [Attributed to Carolyn See] The secret to a writer’s life is to write 1000 words a day and send a note of appreciation to someone.

Work At Home (In the Nude)

I love seeing what questions people ask the internet. Google auto complete has given me marvelous blog fodder in the past, but you can find great questions in other places too.

Yahoo Answers contains some real doozies, but I found a simple one today from a young girl who wanted to know:

“What do writers wear/look like?”

Apparently her school was doing something about a reality town and she was to dress as a writer. As a professional writer, I suppose I’m qualified to answer this query. Sure, we look a lot different in public than when we’re at home crafting brilliant prose. *snicker*

Come Again? [featuring The Good Greatsby]

Have you ever walked by a conversation in progress and heard a strange snippet of whatever those people were talking about?

Walk past this guy and who knows what you're gonna hear.

A couple of ladies walked past me the other day as one said to the other “…so we just went ahead and used the mouse bacteria anyway…”

I laughed because it reminded me of all the random things I’ve said while strangers walk past me. When somebody is about to pass you in public, the idea is to calmly mention something completely ridiculous no matter what you’re talking about with someone.

Here a few examples of things to say if you want to mess with random passers by.

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The long and short of it is that he couldn’t get that squirrel fox out of his trousers for darn near an hour…

If that’s the way you want it then you should know about the herpes scare from last year’s Christmas party…

I’m a Big Loser

When I was in my early 20s I got sucked into the fun world of betting football games online. Yes, I was stupid but then again scientific studies* show that most guys are at their worst between the ages of 21-23.

Let’s just say what started off well sure didn’t end that way. But hey, it was the 2000s and we were young, crazy kids. That’s what free credit cards were for.

Next time Gadget...

*throws self into steel radiator*

One particular Sunday afternoon, I was in my room watching the hapless San Diego Chargers play the solid Baltimoron Ravens (who would go onto win the Super Bowl) before dinner. My relatively safe wager was somehow reliant on the Ravens holding a big lead at halftime.

I was in great shape when the call for dinner came, but as I walked down to eat the stupid Ravens fumbled. The Chargers recovered and were suddenly in field goal range as I picked up my fork. Unbelievable, their kicker John Carney kicked a long field goal as the first half expired. I lost my bet. And my money. It was the only points the pathetic Chargers scored all day. I wasn’t very hungry after that.

Steelers-Ravens: Chick Flick Edition

Nothing like a good rivalry to get the juices flowing. By juices I mean that sweet Skittles flavor that will soon be mine after my Pittsburgh Steelers take out the Baltimoron Ravens of Miss Thoughts Appear.

To be fair, Thoughtsie doesn’t follow her team that closely. You can read a funny story about this over at her site today.

I’m really putting myself on the line for this one though, so you know I’m counting on the Black & Gold to payback those dirty birdies for week one’s Baltimore smackdown.

What’s at stake, you ask? Well…

If the Ravens win (gag) I have to watch whatever chick flick TA says. Then I have to write a “Movies Teach Us” guest post for my Maryland pal.

However, after my Steelers take out the Ravens, she has to send me some sweet treats. She is, after all, known for her delectable treats. All I know is Skittles need to be included somehow! Hmm, can you make Skittle cookies? Cupcakes? I need ideas. That’s where you come in.

Zombie Bloggers

I’ve been in zombie mode for a while now. Not only do I love zombie fiction, but I’ve also been hard at work for months on a zombie nonfiction book.

People always did say my mind was warped.

I could fill a blog for a year with all the stuff I have on the subject. Until now though, I’ve left that side of my brains out of blog world. But it’s time to merge my writing worlds.

To kick off the occasional ZombifiClaytion, I posted myself as a member of the undead the other day and asked for readers to send me their own zombified images.

If you want to see what these folks really look like just click over to their sites which are linked below.

ZombifiClaytion!

Halloween is upon us again. I’m more a casual observer than eager actor. I’ve never been the guy with great costumes anyway. Also, I have to teach tonight while all the trick or treat peeps do their thang.

So in typical eduClaytion fashion, I’ve gone to the time-tested ritual of stealing ideas from Canada, specifically Leanne the Calgarian.

You’ve probably seen the zombified pics of people for a couple years now. Here’s a couple from yours ghouly.

I will eat you

The original eduClaytion shot zombified

I’d love to see your zombie pics! If you head over to MakeMeZombie and create one let us know in the comments where we can find it. Anyone who wants can email me a zombie pic of yourself at educlaytion[at]gmail. Include one link to a blog or social media account and I’ll add it with your pic!

World Series At Work

A lot of us have history right under our feet. Some of it changed the world while other events are just fun to talk about.

My hometown of Pittsburgh is loaded with historical landmarks and significance. A short walk through Oakland reveals markers and statues and great, old buildings where important things took place.

Today’s short video is timely as the World Series is currently going on between the Texas Rangers and St. Louis Cardinals. I thought I’d show a little glimpse of one of my workplaces where one of the biggest moments in the history of sports occurred.

If you’d like to see the short clip of this historic blast click here. You’ll see what Forbes Field and Pittsburgh looked like a half century ago as the camera follows the flight of the ball through the air and over Yogi Berra’s head.

Do you have any cool landmarks near you?

Are You Prepared to be Freshly Pressed?

A little while back I was fortunate to be Freshly Pressed for a second time by the good story wranglers at WordPress (here’s the first). As I reacted to this development I realized how much more I was prepared the second time around. Whether you’ve been Pressed before or are waiting for that first time, you can make the experience even more beneficial by capitalizing on that wonderful publicity. All you need is a little foresight and planning.

In just a few simple steps, anyone can be ready to really maximize the impact of thousands of readers showing up from the WordPress home page. So I’m going to give you a few key steps to take for when your number gets called. The list builds from beginner to veteran, so a couple of these might be familiar to you if you’ve already been Pressed in the past.

1. Figure out what Freshly Pressed is

Capture a screen shot when you get Pressed

I didn’t have any idea what was happening when my post first got selected. I suddenly had dozens of comments out of nowhere. In case you don’t know about FP, here’s the official WordPress breakdown.

2. Celebrate!

Make excited noises. I mean, don’t go all Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. Or do. Unless you’re at work. Then again you might work at home. So go nuts.

3. Stat gaze

It’s pretty cool to watch those view counts soaring when you’re used to 40 views a day!

4. Tell people

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But then you get past that initial cool stuff. Here’s the strategy part.

Pittsburgh Entrance

I’ve got a neat little glimpse at one of the simple pleasures of life in Pittsburgh. We tend to take this for granted around here, but the entrance into our fair city is one of the coolest in the world.

This footage is a couple weeks old, but I wanted show a bit of the drastic transition from colorful woods to sudden city. You don’t need too much imagination to picture the French, British, and Indians fighting for control of this critical region where three rivers meet at The Point. Once called Fort Duquesne, the outpost was renamed Fort Pitt in honor of British Prime Minister William Pitt who lead the English over the French in the Seven Years War of the 1750s.

And now you know how Pittsburgh got it’s name.

Thanks to @CheerfulKim for filming.

What city do you live in/near?

What’s the coolest thing about it?

10 Television Characters I’ve Wished I Could Be

A recent internet surfer found me by asking if you can have a man crush on a TV character. The answer, of course, is yes since we’re just talking about admiration and respect that can go as far as idolizing someone. As Alan Stanwyk once said to Fletch, “It’s nothing of a sexual nature I assure you.”

As it happens, I already had this post well underway as a follow up to my earlier musings on 10 movie characters I’ve wished I could be.

I don’t watch much TV these days. The shows I like make up a short list. There’s Psych, Chuck, and now The Walking Dead. Community is also fun since it documents my life as a teacher at a community college, but I never seem to watch.

I used to LOVE television. I am, after all, a product of Generation X. We’re the first bunch to grow up watching the boob tube, and I certainly got my fill over the years. Here then are some of the fictional TV peeps I grew up with and really liked.

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MacGyver

No brainer eh? “He can fix anything. He can fix a computer with a hairpin and some duct tape.” Yeah, Pete summed it up about his friend from the Phoenix Foundation. In an attempt to emulate MacGyver I once actually fixed a torn piece of duct tape with a piece of scotch tape. I even remember the episode when they finally revealed his first name. Bonus points if you know it’s Angus.

Dear eduClaytion…

Greetings weary internet traveler. I see you have searched near and far for life altering wisdom. The answers you seek are here. I’ve been getting some disturbing strange great queries lately in my search engine results and wanted to share with you all how I go about making people’s lives complete without even trying.

I handle questions like bullets in the matrix.

I’m about to fulfill your day like a marathon on the USA Network. Search phrases appear in bold exactly as they appeared.

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can you spend foreign money out of a cereal box

Yes but only if you’re dealing with the proper government. For example, you could use cereal box money for ransom if your family has been abducted by a group of mutinous pirates from Cap’n Crunch’s crew.

was kevin bacon in a porno

No. Stop asking me. But I understand why you keep ending up on my site for Kevin Bacon porn.

how to respond to email from someone you haven’t seen in 25 years

Well, that’s a pretty vague question. Is this person your long lost love/sibling/parent? Is this the person who tried to kill you by chasing you across the southwestern desert in an 18 wheeler? Then again it could just be the coordinator for your 25th class reunion. Tell you what, just to cover all the bases reply with the following message:

“Dear person from the past. I’m sorry but [insert your name here] is dead. What was it you wanted?”

Gus, Don’t Be A…

We know each other pretty well dear reader, but there’s more to me than meets the eye. I’m not just another pretty blog. I’m like an onion. Or an ogre. Or cake. The point is that I have layers.

One of those layers is television viewing. (I didn’t say the layers were deep). You might think that I’m a TV junkie being Mr. Pop Culture and all, but the truth is that I hardly watch outside of football and some hockey. When a show does get me interested I still watch through the internet.

Well, I’ve been thinking there’s something missing in our relationship, you and I. Quite simply, you should at least know what my very favoritest show is on telly these days. That top spot belongs to a brilliant creation called Psych.

If you don’t know anything about Psych the show is about a hyper-observant Gen Xer who pretends to by psychic in order to get work as a police consultant. His best friend Gus joins him. The show is ridiculously funny and filled with references and guest stars from the last 25 years of culture. The writers also work in delicious meta references just the way I like it. They don’t take themselves too seriously. At all.

So basically I think Psych is one of the greatest shows ever devised. It’s coming back on for a new season tonight (even though I probably won’t watch until it’s online), so I figured I’d let you know what you might be missing. I recommend starting with season 1. Netflix is your friend here.

Agents of the Squirrel Nation

Gene Lempp likes history, archaeology, and squirrels. That’s an eduClaytion trifecta if I ever saw one. So I asked if he wouldn’t mind mixing up that concoction for a guest post. Here’s his offering.

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One of my fondest memories growing up is of watching the herds of squirrels roaming the freshly-mowed emerald plains of Illinois urbania. I would often see their furry-tailed scientists rustling behind well-constructed tree blinds studying me and the other school children as we made our daily migration to the education factories.

Sometimes they would don their stealth helmets in order to infiltrate our ranks for closer inspection. Curious about their Skiouros (as they call themselves) ways, I trailed one to their secret lands deep in the woods only to be cussed out for accidentally (as my lawyer claimed) interfering in the collection of the acorn tax from the local layabout oak trees (the legal case was dropped after my lawyer, Poison Ivy, promised I’d stay out of that part of the woods in the future).

Realizing that they could not keep me away for long, the squirrel intelligence agency (a.k.a. Shadowtails) recruited me as a sleeper agent. My covert control operative, Rocky, came up with the clever idea of relaying messages to me through the square movie theater in my parent’s home.

Rocky was a highly-decorated fighter pilot from the Great War against the Stray Cat Nation. While recovering from war injuries, Rocky met a moose with a head-injury and the two became fast friends adventuring and hunting a pair of Cat Nation spies named Boris and Natasha. While I was never able to help them catch these nefarious scoundrels, I was trained in the super secret squirrel language and made contacts branching into the high-tree network.