White People With Blue Eyes Ruin Everything

The cause of all this economic trouble has been uncovered.  During a joint press conference with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva (Portuguese for “raving lunatic”) said the crisis was caused by “the irrational behavior of white people with blue eyes…”

Brad Pitt better cancel his travel plans to Brazil.  I wonder what Gordon Brown’s wife thought of the comments?

PM Gordon Brown’s white, blue eyed wife

When challenged about his idiotic claims, Lula further proved he is a blittering buffoon with no credibility: “I only record what I see in the press. I am not acquainted with a single black banker.” I wonder if he’s ever heard of a black president.  I hope my man Walter Williams weighs in on this knucklehead.

The Dishwasher Rebellion

The insurrection has begun. In our increasingly controlled society, Americans continue to find ways to protest.  First came the tea parties, now some Northwesterners are crying “Never!” against fascist government controls.  What could be the object of such resistance?  Dishwasher Detergents.

Soccer moms have taken to smuggling in the good stuff–Cascade and Electrosol–from the Idaho black market, a seedy underworld of Coscos and Sam’s Clubs that push fish-hating chemical cleaners containing phosphates.

Mabye we better back up for a second. Last year, Washington state law began requiring citizens to use eco-friendlydishwasher detergents.

The reason some people even care about phosphates in detergent is because the chemicals wind up in rivers, promote algae growth, and hog up oxygen that some fish would like to have.  Call me calloused, but I really don’t care about some fish I’ve never even met.  If I did ever meet them, I would probably just end up eating them anyway.  After I eat them, it’ll take a powerful cleaner to get all their leftover bits off my plates.

Ten states including Pennsylvania, New York, Michigan, and more are joining Washington in the ban.  From this legislation we learn that:

1. The green movement is still going.
2. Apparently Congress doesn’t have anything to do.
3. Going green leaves your dishes dirty.

I Love You, Beth Cooper

One of the funniest books ever is coming to the screen.

I bought I Love You, Beth Cooper last year partly because the story looked good but mostly because of this advice from Dave Barry, one of the funniest writers who’s ever breathed:

“If this book doesn’t make you laugh, something is wrong with you.”

The movie releases July 10th and will star Hayden Panetierre as Beth Cooper, the object of Dennis Cooverman’s pathetic desire.  I’m not sure how good the movie will be, but the book is hilarious.  I mean tears from your eyes, stringy stuff hanging out your nose, lost track of dinner and burn the food funny.

So now when Larry Doyle says to buy a book, you should listen.

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Then There Were 9

American Idol continues to be one of the few worthwhile things on television, the only reality show which features decent real people (for the most part) rather than dysfunctional trainwrecks picked to grab ratings.

For the second week in a row, a regular person displayed poise and perspective as they got sent home.

 

Michael Sarver followed up Alexis Grace’s calm departure as the latest contestant booted by America. 

I love it when losers display good sportsmanship despite disappointment.  It’s the same with athletes who keep things in perspective.  We may love the competition, but it is just a game or money or fame or anything else that doesn’t matter the second you die. 

Big Government Criticism: Legacy Of The Democrats?

Political allegiances shifted during the four-term presidency of Franklin Roosevelt.  Some high profiled left wingers and democrats broke with the president during the controversial New Deal era.

Ronald Reagan, prominent actor of the time, was a New Deal democrat into the 1940s.  Over time, Reagan drifted towards the right and limited government.  He later said, “I didn’t leave the Democratic Party.  The party left me.”  Maybe that’s how some of Obama’s current supporters will feel in a few years. 

The recent death of conservative actor Ron Silver and subsequent tribute from not so conservative Alec Baldwin got me thinking about democrats who turned on Roosevelt as he blitzed America with New Deal programs during the Great Depression.  

The Greatest Who Ever Lived

I’ve often heard that there are three types of people in this world.  That’s not true.  There are only two.  Those who “get” The Far Side by Gary Larson and those who don’t. 

If you don’t know what The Far Side is, don’t worry.  There’s still time to go find it and learn.  If you don’t like The Far Side, then no offense but there is simply no hope for you.  Sure you can still find love (possibly), but you will never understand this world, this life, or real people. 

Listen to me single people.  If you are considering marriage just clear your mind, grab one of Larson’s single panels, and show it to your other.  If he/she laughs until stringy stuff comes out their nose, you can marry them.  If he/she gets confused, bored, or angry, you need to run like a deer with a bullseye shaped birthmark.

Obama Drama: The Honeymoon

President Obama probably always thought his second honeymoon would be with his wife. Then he won the presidency.  Now America and Obama are newlyweds.  History tells us that the glow rubs off.  Early approval ratings are backing that up.

The numbers have dropped a bit already. After a 65% approval in February the number slipped to 59% in March.  The 17% that disapproved of Obama a month ago jumped to 26% this month. Wait until he preempts American Idol Tuesday night. Then you’ll really see that approval rating slip.

The honeymoon period–those first 100 days when presidents experience smoother sailing than normal–isn’t always as clear a factor as some political scientists make out. FDR made the first hundred days a benchmark by acting so aggressively during economic crisis after his 1933 election inauguration.  Since then, most every president has seen their highest approval marks in those first three or so months.

The basic idea is that newly elected leaders get softer pressure from the public, media, and Congress.

Is It Time To Start Teaching U.S. History 3?

Students routinely take U.S. History 1 and 2, with the halves hinged at the Civil War.  The big theme throughout those courses is that expansion leads to conflict.  Then nuclear weapons showed up and the stakes of the conflict soared.  After civil rights movers, cold warriors, and global connectors, the world is a different place.  At some point in the future, the third phase of American history will be put in perspective.

The most likely end point for U.S. 2 will be 1991.  Most people don’t realize how much the world changed just as Bill Clinton packed up the Arkansas caravan and headed to D.C.  The Cold War against communism faded as technology destroyed communication as the world had known it.  With no superpower to despise and the internet on the rise (thanks Al Gore), Clinton’s focus became different than any president before him.  The times they were a-changin’.

Of course, nature abhors a vacuum so a new enemy rose up, and soon planes, buildings, and people became targets of the anti-West, radicals hell bent on destroying, well, most everyone.

If this U.S. History 3 course is created by mid-century (2050), that will be around 60 years to be covered in one survey course.  U.S. 2 currently studies less than 150 years (1865-Present) while U.S. 1 includes over four centuries.  Why the disparity? Are historians that bad at math?

See My Article In the PITTSBURGH POST GAZETTE!

Click it right here for my latest piece which appeared in the Sunday edition of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. The article contains new research about legendary magician and escape king Harry Houdini.  [UPDATE: Just heard this story was one of the top 5 most emailed on Post Gazette!]

Pooh-Poohing The Doomsday Bunch

I often tell students about King Solomon who made the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes his swan song.  Know how one of the wisest men of all time summed up existence?  “Meaningless, Meaningless, everything is Meaningless…”  Was he a pessimist or what?  Actually, I don’t think so.  It’s about perspective, that’s all.

I’ve heard a lot lately about how America will never be the same.  We’re up against too much.  Well, what about the cycles of history?  One of the biggest selling points on the importance of history is that understanding the past helps us makes sense of the present and predict the future.  If everything is so terrible why even continue to care?

I hear you reacting already out there.  You think I sound like a fatalist, a basher of thou liberal arts.  Not at all.  Prophets have been warning folks since those stubborn Israelites refused to listen.  If you need to change the way you live, by all means do so.  One of the changes I need to make is to not get rundown by overwhelming scenarios of an apocalypse that may never come.

What’s that you say angry blogger?  America is dying?  No it’s not. 

Say what my main radio man?  We’ve lost our way?  Didn’t that happen long before we joined the search back to sanity? 

And I see you in the back there grandpa.  You’re thinking about the good old days when things were simpler, people were kinder, guys knew how to turn an honest buck, and girls winked back.  Sorry, those were also the days when black people had their own urinals, polio would cripple you, and overactive bladder sent you stumbling through the weeds by the light of the moon to find the outhouse.  There wasn’t even air conditioning for crying out loud!

The good old days is just another way of saying you were young.  That means one day some of these tight jean wearin’, ear lobe stretchin’, crying music lovin’ kids of today are gonna refer to this decade as the best years of their lives. 

That’s right, as a historian I am predicting that current college students will one day call the Bush or Obama years the good old days.  I know because I’ve studied Marx.  Not Karl but Groucho.

I’m serious.

Groucho Marx saw over 80 years of America, achieved huge fame, and made a ton of money.  Oh yeah, he also lost a life’s fortune in the stock market crash of 1929.  Guess what?  American came back, kept going, and got better.  So did Groucho.  In the end, he said all that mattered was your health.  One might add spiritual as well as physical.  Hey, Solomon told us the “days of trouble” would come.  Be prepared.

So what are we all worried about? 

I get that these are serious times.  So were the 1930s when the economy tanked, government overreached, and Americans feared becoming a welfare state as citizens were taken care of by the govt. for the first time.

I get that we face serious threats.  They had those in the 1940s too.  Remember Hitler?  All he wanted was world domination at the expense of anyone without the right beliefs, ethnicity, or skin color.

Then we got to the 1950s.  The good old days right? Well, in a lot of cases the surface belied the dark depths of this nation.  There were some great realities to be sure, but let’s not whitewash the whole truth.

Then the 1960s came.  The government once again launched massive programs at the same time Americans increasingly tried to understand a tough war.  Guess what?  The opposition party won 49 states a few years later. 

The key here is checks and balances built into our system by the dead white guys known as the Founding Fathers.  Call them irrelevant; I think they’re brilliant.  And before you fire off emails notice I did not say they were perfect.  Neither are you.  None of us are. 

Spend a Friday evening at Walmart and you may fear for the future, but something happens when Americans are pushed too much by anybody.  We push back.  Like nasty ingredients to a brilliant recipe, when we come together things get good.

This country has already faced the types of problems that have so many doomsdayers scurrying for the cliffs today.  As Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun.”  We may be self-centered, but history barely knows who we are.

So smile with someone you care about and take care of your “health.”  Everything else is meaningless.

 

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Obama Taps Steely McBeam, er, Rooney

According to the prestigious American Academy of Diplomacy:

“The United States is engaged in a long-term struggle with Islamic fundamentalism, while simultaneously coping with the impact of globalization, failed and failing states, and a plethora of issues that demand U.S. involvement and presence around the world. If ever there was a time that US diplomacy needed sufficient people and resources to meet pressing foreign policy challenges, it is now.”

Who better to answer that call than Dan Rooney, the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers and recent victor of Super Bowl Ring #6.  That’s one for the other clover.  He would’ve had 7 if not for Irish quarterback Neil O’Donnell in Super Bowl XXX.

The move comes on the heels of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s initial whirlwind tour.  The Obama administration is apparently committed to maintaining the longheld foreign policy tradition that Ireland does not matter. 

Band of Brothers, Part Deux

With the opening fifteen minutes to Saving Private Ryan Steven Spielberg altered cinematic portrayals of war like Sylvester Stallone transformed fighting scenes in Rocky.

In 2001, Spielberg and Tom Hanks teamed up again to bring us Band of Brothers, possibly the greatest thing ever filmed.  Now they’re at it again.

The current project is a follow-up to The Pacific, another 10 part series set to release this year.  The story will follow the 1st Marine Division from Guadalcanal to Okinawa.

This theater of battle has not been explored by filmmakers nearly as much as Europe.  Most Americans recognize Hitler and nazism but don’t understand Eastern cultures or the Asian world as well.  Furthermore, the Holocaust didn’t take place in Japan.  Nevertheless, now it’s time for this level of production to focus on these amazing untold stories. 

The team once again tapped writer Bruce McKenna to adapt the stories for screen. 

You can view a trailer and info here. Keep checking right here for every meaningful update on this anticipated series.

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The Commonwealth Strikes Back

Should public school teachers be allowed to go on strike?  That’s the question up for debate again in the Pennsylvania legislature.

Pennsylvania has set the pace for teacher walkouts in recent years, one of only 13 states left where such protests are legal.  That’s right, 37 states already ban teacher strikes.  According to a PhillyBurbs.Com article:

“More than 60 percent of all teacher strikes since 2000 have occurred in Pennsylvania, even though its teacher salaries are among the top 10 highest in the country.”

What do they think this is, professional baseball?  Naturally, teachers in PA have a tough time garnering sympathy outside of their families.  School kids absorb most of the wallop.  With the current state of many public schools one could almost say that having to attend is already painful enough.  After all, even in a good school district high school is terrifying enough for most kids. 

Seacrest vs. The ACLU

Jasmine is leaving American Idol early.  Is it just me or does she remind anyone of Angie from Shark Tale?

The other elimination must have been a real blow to multiculturalists as the final cut came down to the guy from India vs. the guy from Puerto Rico.  Jorge didn’t make it.  Way to go America, you inconsiderate voters.

Anoop Dog

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Man Undresses Man In Igloo, Thousands Cheer

A Russian guy undressed a Czech guy last night and I screamed celebration.  Wait, that didn’t come out right.

It sounded better last night when announcer Paul Steigerwald described how Evgeni Malkin of the Pittsburgh Penguins took the final shot of the game last evening while Thomas Vokoun of the Florida Panthers laid sprawled out on the ice of Mellon Arena.  Penguins win 4-3.

That’s two Pens  games in a row concluding with a brilliant move against a confused goaltender.  Sidney Crosby made Washington netminder Jose Theodore look silly on Sunday.

So the streak continues, and the Boys of Winter have won 9 of their last 10 as Florida, New York, and Buffalo fade.  The Canadiens were also struggling but managed a tough OT win last night under replacement coach Bob Gainey.  Guy Carbonneau was fired on March 10.

The red hot Penguins now sit four points out of 4th place in the Eastern Conference yet only two points from falling into 10th.  They’ll be fine as long as they keep moving at the same throttle level Tyler Kennedy has recently discovered.