White House Connected To Shocking Suicide

SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t caught up with House episodes and intend to, you better not read anymore.

Actor Kal Penn’s character on popular Fox show House turned up dead on this week’s episode, an apparent suicide. The cast and fans alike have been searching for answers as to why the rising young doctor would do such a thing. We now have the answer.

Apparently Penn has been offered a job at the White House to work in the Obama administration. You’d probably kill yourself too.

We’re Gonna Barrack Around Iraq Tonight

These politicians are full of surprises.  Take Barrack Obama.  Please. 

Just kidding. (Kind of).  Oh there I go again. 

What surprises am I referring to?  First an appearance on Jay Leno, now Baghdad.  The president is like those little critters that pop up out of the holes at Chuck E Cheeses.  Only that if you try to strike him you’ll be shot by snipers.

Everyone thought Mr. Obama would be flying home today when Air Force One detoured to Iraq’s capital where he was met by throngs of excited sandstorms. 

Obama’s plans for the Middle East are just filled with zingers.  For example, not only has he decided to escalate troops, he’s chosen to place them in useless territories of Afghanistan while telling American troops in Iraq it’s time to go.  The president sported a business suit and managed to avoid having any shoes thrown at him.  That’s change Iraqis believe in.

I wonder if Venezuelans feel the same way.  On the other side of the world, President Hugo Chavez, a really big jerkhead, said he hopes to “reset” relations with the U.S. over the coming months.  Chavez hated Bush and has already criticized Obama.  Of course, Chavez hates freedom, democracy, and kittens too.  Connecting foreign policy to an XBoxgame, the leader of Venezuela says he would be willing to press the reset button.

When asked for comment, some Venezuelan children said, “What’s XBox?  Chavez won’t even let us have shoes.”

You may think I’m being hard on Chavez, but I didn’t think Sean Penn read this column.

Is The American Dream Dead?

People love to debate the meaning of the American Dream.  Can it be described?  Can it be obtained?  A masterful article by David Kamp appeared in the April 2009 issue of Vanity Fair.  Kamp says that while American opportunities remained strong through the 20th Century, our aspirations changed.   

Most people don’t understand what the American Dream is supposed to be.  After all, this is the land of confusion as Phil Collins sang. Without a concrete knowledge of what Americans should be or have, too many seekers overstepped the bounds of economic reality. 

Kamp explains how for years most Americans sought a better life.  Their dreams were often realized during the lives of their children.  Successive generations continued to build on that foundation but simply maintaining the prosperity gave way to cravings for more.  Those escalating aspirations coincided with extensions of easy credit that allowed regular folks to get more stuff.  Bigger is better right?

If the American Dream means maintaining prosperity, then we are fine.  The problem is that many people believe the goal is to have a better life than those who came before us.  The tipping point came and went over the past 20 years and now we are stuck with the consequences.

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Films like The Godfather (#17) and the Pursuit of Happyness (#18) offer insight into two types of American searches.  In the former, the Corleones epitomize the rarest prominence, albeit through criminal means, available to immigrants of the 20th Century.  In the latter, Will Smith portrays an unlikely struggle as a desperate father grinding every gear to escape the lower class lifestyle.  Countless other films over the past few decades lead us on similar journeys in search of wealth or fame or prominence.  These individualistic goals represent the break from an idealized American Dream that connected personal fulfillment with the benefit to others.

The dream disintegrated rapidly.  The predominant ideal of the 1930s, thriftiness, gave way in the post-war era (1945-1960), an age of prosperity where colleges were filled with middle class entrants and garages were attached to homes to accomodate a second car.  Far from the simpler violation of expecting a better life than one’s parents, most young people today grow up with an expectancy to strike it rich by becoming famous. 

Chuck, Fletch, and Quantum Leap?

As the great Dr. Sam Beckett would say: “Oh boy.”

If you aren’t familiar with Sam Beckett, you have never watched a popular show from the 90s called Quantum Leap. Why bring it up now? Because Leap star Scott Bakula is appearing tonight on that sweetest of current TV shows–Chuck.

But that’s not all.

Also joining the show’s cast tonight is comedic legend Chevy Chase, star of one of the funniest pure comedies of all time: Fletch.

This episode sounds like a radio station with the best of the 80s, 90s, and today. Chase will play some maniacal bad guy and Bakula shows up as Chuck’s long lost father.

The combo is strange since I just learned that author Gregory MacDonald, creator of Fletch, wrote 9 books in the brilliant character’s series. How did I miss this for the past thirty years? Can’t wait to read the next seven, but there’s more to this story.

Tampa Bay’s Greatest Athlete

Tampa Bay Lightning Captain Vincent Lecavalier (Le cav all yay) underwent season ending ending wrist surgery and will not play in the upcoming world hockey championships.  The Canadian star will be ready to go for next season.  Whether you’ve never heard of him or are his biggest fan, here’s a little reminder of why he’s so brilliant. He’s wicked tough too and even once fought 6’9″ Zdeno Chara.

Wait until you see #7 in slow motion.

In case you still want more…

Heath Ledger Birthday

Today would have been Heath Ledger’s birthday. I know his performance as the Joker in The Dark Knight would have launched him to the top of the heap if he didn’t accidentally kill himself first, but the greatest movie he ever appeared in was The Patriot (#15).  Follow the link to the movie page and a great scene from the film.

Will The NFL Ruin Its Image?

The NFL dominates the American sports scene.  The game is tremendous, its history rich.  The athletes put their bodies on the line to perform feats most humans simply can’t.  We’ve bestowed all the best warrior cliches upon the men of the gridiron.

Maybe that’s why these players are consistently starting to act like idiots.

Until recently, if you lived outside of Cincinnati or Oakland, you could pretend that your local football stars were true professionals and good people.  Oh wait, Baltimore couldn’t pretend.  Or Dallas.  Or anywhere Terrell Owens went.  Oh yeah, and the Patriots cheated a lot.

One glance at this week’s football roundup will show that the game may be healthy while the system gets sick.  Consider:

1. The Giants finally released Plaxico Burress four months after the wide receiver illegally carried a gun into a New York nightclub and accidentally shot himself in the leg.  Way to take a stand New York.
2. Donte Stallworth, wideout for the Browns is facing charges of DUI manslaughter.
3. Michael Vick.  He told a U.S. Bankruptcy Judge that he is a changed man after prison time.  The judge didn’t buy it.
4. Jay Cutler, a pro-bowl quarterback entering his prime, demanded and got a trade out of Denver after a fallout with the new head coach, a teenager named Josh McDaniels.  Cutler was allegedly mad that his new coach was the best XBox player on the team.

Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

The government decided Thursday that we could use a little more regulation in our lives.  Finally.  I was worried they might make it to the weekend without voting to expand their powers. 

The object of their possession is tobacco as the House of Representatives voted to give the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) power to regulate the tobacco industry.  The title of the bill, The Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act, could only have been named by lawyers. Why do I envision parents and children sitting at the table lighting each others smokes?  Are these families literally burning?  At least they were honest enough to put the control part in the title since that’s all these bills are ever about. 

I do not smoke, but…

According to the USA Today, tobacco is the nation’s #1 cause of preventable death.  Apparently that statistic doesn’t count fast food or people who are taxed to death.  Nagging, talking someone’s head off, and killing people with kindness also made the list of preventable deaths.

Don’t worry smokers, tobacco won’t be banned, only regulated.  That means you can still buy cigarettes, but they won’t contain nicotine and may not burn.  Also they will cost $467 a pack.

Companies would also be prohibited from suggesting that “low-tar,” “light,” or “mild” cigarettes are somehow safer.  So much for that zero calorie, low fat, diet cigarette that was in development.  Further restrictions will create larger warning labels and limit ads to black and white only so as not to visually stimulate possible smokers.  When asked for comment, a color blind smoker I know had this to say: “So what?”

At this point, people are going to smoke regardless of the advertising.  You could write in bold black letters that “THIS PRODUCT WILL MOST LIKELY SHORTEN YOUR LIFE OR AT LEAST LOWER THE QUALITY OF IT AT SOME POINT IN THE (POSSIBLY NEAR) FUTURE,” and folks would still pay the tax increase.  The government would bank on it too, but at least they could say they did something.

These restrictions are praised by health advocates.  I’m not sure how you get into the health advocate club.  Maybe there’s a secret knock.  Oh yeah, and you have to hate tobacco companies.  Anyway, people who like this move are comitted to protecting children and young adults from a terrifying future of deciding for themselves whether or not they want to inhale or chew tobacco. 

In other news, softcore porn is on free cable now and Pez has released its new condom dispenser.  Anything to keep the kiddies safe.

Are You Living In A Lie?

The world you think you live in does not exist. That’s lesson one for any student of life. As a life-long lover of movies, I’ve realized that some of the most captivating stories are about characters who realize that the world in which they live is not real.

The Matrix, The Truman Show, and Stranger Than Fiction all tell stories about people who are jolted from their everyday reality. Each of these characters comes from a different perspective. Just about everyone relates to at least one of these protagonists. Which one are you?

***

In The Matrix, Neo is unsettled, always sure that something is missing from life. His world is hollow. He feels empty, unsure of what needs to happen or who will ever understand.

Truman Burbank spends his life oblivious to the false reality encapsulating every second of his existence. He is a commodity, a human for sale. Every second of his life generates ratings and income for someone else. His hopes and dreams and passions mean nothing in the real world.

Then there’s dull Harold Crick who controls every instant of his life down to the number of toothbrush strokes at the same time each morning. The ultimate image of control, Harold is knocked out of rhythm by the sudden enlightenment that he is about to die, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

The passions, joys, and trials of these characters pique our interest, but their search for answers and meaning captivates us. We want the same answers they seek. We want to know if our lives matter, if there’s more to existence than what we see. We want to know if there’s a higher power.

We have omniscience over Truman and Harold. We know what they do not, who is in control. For Neo, however, we must follow him down the rabbit hole in the ultimate search for reality. Despite entirely different worlds, these three men suffer through a fundamental theme. Awakening is painful.

***

Americans are haunted. We live with one eye peeking back, never sure if we’ve escaped the ghosts of our past. 

American Idol: And Then There Were 8

As predicted here, Megan Joy is the next American Idol contestant going home.  Finally.

Here’ s a weird Idol stat for you: That’s three parents in a row to get bounced by America (Beware Lil Rounds). Apparently you don’t want your pop stars to achieve superstar status if they have children.  No worries, Megan was all too happy to go. 

A couple of other observations.

1. The lip synching has to stop.  The group performances used to be halfway decent.  Now they’re just terrible, painful to watch.
2. Lady GaGa, who performed her fluke hit Poker Face, should never be on my television again.  She will be completely irrelevant in three years, and the only memories of her will be mock laughter like [insert ridiculous 80s fad band here].

The bottom line is that it’s all about blind piano player Scott MacIntyre.  I still don’t think he will pull it out, but just maybe…

Here’s the updated list of how the final 8 stack up.

A Case For Advancing Religion

Do you think it is illegal in America to display a cross in a cemetery?  You might be surprised to find out that the Supreme Court has gone rounds over this issue, and another battle is slated for this summer.

The case of interest is Salazer v. Buono.  Since 1934, a cross has been displayed on top of Sunrise Rock at the Mojave National Preserve as a monument to World War I soldiers.  Former preserve employee Frank Buono, a vampiric Roman Catholic who apparently hates crosses, is suing to have it removed.  The ACLU is leading his charge.

The problem, these plaintiffs claim, is that this 8 foot cross is intended to “advance religion.” 

Yes, I’m sure millions will turn to the violence of Christianity because of a funeral marker no one would ever know about if not for this case. 

Over the past few years, Congress has moved to protect the memorial by eventually making Sunrise Rock private property.  Now Buono has extended the suit to outlaw congressional moves to protect religious symbols.  The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit is once again on the anti-religion side of the issue.

March 2009 Leftovers…

Here’s some headlines educlaytion considered this month. Enjoy.

• The Sham Wow guy busted for violent encounter with hooker
• Evgeni Malkin and the Pittsburgh Penguins are getting scary
• Sylvia Plath: Good Writer, Bad Mother
• Judge ruled middle finger falls under freedom of expression
• Legal history of giving the finger
• Teenager draws penis on parent’s roof to lure Google Earth

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Bill O’Reilly Not Drinking The (Harvey) Milk

Bil O’Reilly and Whoopi Goldberg traded visits on their shows, The Factor and The View.  Here’s a brief exchange between the two over Sean Penn’s playhouse friends as Joy Behar plots the murder of the No Spin guest. 

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Hitting The (History) Books

If you like to read and hate wasting time, let me save you some. Somehow I’ve managed to read three popular history books already this year.  One was decent, another okay, and the third rubbish.

1. A Short History of the United States by Robert Remini

     This ambitious work moves swiftly and covers the basics with lots of sweet, little nuggets along the way.  Remini balances the tone to appeal to both long time students and newcomers to the material.

2. The Politically Incorrect Guide To American History by Thomas Woods Jr.

     Here you go conservatives.  This book assumes a couple of things.  First, that you’ve probably heard some traditional history lessons in the past.  Second, that you don’t bowl with liberals on Friday nights.  Woods doesn’t attack anyone directly but makes the general argument that history has been revised in favor of a liberal agenda.  He certainly makes some interesting claims, but I would have to analyze the work more to be sure everything he says holds up. Nevertheless, a good change of pace and certainly better than…

3. American Creation by Joseph Ellis

     Ugh.  Where to start.  You know that look the American Idol judges give a contestant who completely bombs?  How anyone can take the Founding Fathers and American Revoluton and make it downright boring, let alone unreadable, is beyond me.  If you can stay awake, beware.  Ellis is motivated by something and it ain’t exactly accuracy.  The overall goal of this dribble seems to be to:

            a. Make people hate history by shredding every bit of fascination from the story.

Hockey Good; ESPN Stupid

The city of Vancouver continues preparation for the 2010 Winter Olympics.  The games will be spectacular, and hockey will again feature professional athletes.

Not that ESPN will care.

The worldwide leader in sports divorced hockey years ago.  When football is out of season, you’re stuck with basketball–great to play, useless to watch.

Oh sure, such statements are heresy during the March run to the Final Four, but that’s college.  In a few days, the student-athletes will be traded in for NBA players.  If Kobe Bryant and stars played a game in my backyard, I would close the curtains.  Yet that’s all the “worldwide leader in sports” wants to talk about.