Christmas Haters

Have you ever heard a story that should be sad but makes you laugh?  No, I’m not talking about the story of the 2009 Pittsburgh Steelers.  The juicy little tidbit I have roasting over an open fire is about literally stealing some Christmas joy. 

If Charles Dickens and Dr. Seuss would have got together, they might have come up with this true story that Huffington Post ran with the headline “Police: Christmas-Hating Man Stole Salvation Army Kettle In Maumee, Ohio.”  Ebenezer Scrooge doesn’t have much on the Christmas culprit who shoved a bell-ringer to the ground, snatched the kettle filled with hundreds of dollars, and took off like the Hamburglar.  The victim was an unemployed woman trying to do some good for someone. 

I know that’s not very funny, but then I got to the part of the story where the man yelled out, “I can’t stand you and your bell-ringing.  I hate Christmas!”  What a cartoon this guy is.  Sorry but I find that funny.  Dont worry, the loser scrooge has been arrested.  Anybody that stupid never gets away. 

His name is Shawn Krieger and he apparently attended the Kanye West School of Civility and Jackassery.  He narrowly escaped the woman he pushed.  She chased him until he sped off in a stolen pickup truck (what else?).  The poor woman feared she had let down the Army of love, but she’s been assured that she can go right on ringing those bells and sending wishes to strangers.  Pretty impressive when you consider she ain’t getting paid. 

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I was thinking about the Salvation Army–a.k.a. my old employer–recently after seeing a couple of bell-ringers womanning their post next to one of those iconic red kettles outside of a grocery store.  The difference that caught my eye this time was the youthful appearance of the merriment wishers.  The bell-ringing greeters were actually two young girls, attractive and sweet. 

I Just Shot John Lennon

Doesn’t get much more random than this.  December 8th is a bad day for Beatles fans.  What modern icon today would be the equivalent of John Lennon if he were to be murdered?  Bono from U2?  Speaking of the Irish, here’s Dolores O’Riordan and Co.  Remember the Cranberries?  Guess I’m a sucker for punky Irish girls although she looked out there in this clip from Letterman.

Boob Jobs and The End Of The World

Tragedies come in many forms, even heart-shaped butts. The deadly risks of cosmetic surgery appeared in headlines again last week after the death of Solange Magnano, a former Miss Argentina, on November 29th. The model suffered a pulmonary embolism after a gluteoplasty to get a firmer butt. You may recall a similar story about the mother of Kanye West a couple of years ago. She also died from complications resulting from plastic surgery. I’d be understating the matter to call Magnano’s death needless. Did I mention she was a mom? Well, she was also a fool.

Fools by definition are people who lack good judgment. This group would include the majority of our elected officials, cult members, and generally everyone ever at some point in their life. You’ve probably had one of those “What was I thinking?” moments. We all lack good judgment from time to time, but most of us don’t lose our lives over it. I just have a hard time thinking of many reasons that could be more idiotic to die for than a tight butt.

Someone who drinks until they’re hammered and drives around town is also a fool, the only difference is that they might take the lives of others. There’s a lot of power in recklessness. I’m not talking about calculating criminals but rather self-serving seekers trying to control the uncontrollable. This recklessness just confirms my theory that we all hide private longings, those secret somethings that make special people less than special when you see them behind the curtain. Just ask Tiger Woods. Like Henry David Thoreau said, most of us lead lives of quiet desperation.

That quiet desperation leads folks to do some pretty stupid things. We’re aware that no one will understand because the reality is that we are often wrong in our hidden desires and we know it. We keep selfish versions of the life we want to ourselves.  In the process we pile up regrets until one day deciding that we’ve suffered enough and that we deserve whatever it is that self-appointed martyrs claim as their deathright. Lost along the way are all the blessings we’re too blind to see and all the people who suffer from our mistakes.

At some point during childhood, Twisted Sister told me that people want what they can’t have. Turns out that’s one of the truest and most lasting lessons I’ve learned. We want it all.  We want. Tell the ugly duckling to understand a beauty queen unhappy with her posterior. Tell a barren wife to understand a mother who gets trashed with kids in the backseat. Try to understand anytime someone else throws away the very life you’ve long dreamed of.

Two decades later, that same sister just called to wish me a happy birthday. She asked how it felt to turn another year older. I asked her if guys could use eye cream for wrinkles without being laughed at. Her fiance laughed at me. Such is the cost of vanity. Sometimes it’s higher. 

Nasty (Bacon) Bits & Pieces

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez told his people last week they better lose some weight if their glorious revolution is to be successful.  “There are lots of fat people,” said the not-so-svelte tyrant.  He explained the solution during a televised speech.  “Doing sit-ups. Eating well. One has to learn how to eat.”

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Will Michael Moore heed the diet call of his buddy Chavez?

So what does a good revolutionary eat?  Soy milk and rice pasta for starters.  Such healthy dishes make Chavez feel “ready to continue commanding the Bolívarian revolution”.  Unfortunately, most Venezuelans prefer coke, beer, and fried pork. 

I’m sure the fact that Chavez is calling his people fat has nothing to do with their love for American-style food products.  I’m further confident this speech has nothing to do with coming restrictions on the lives of Venezuelans.  Riiiigggghhhht.

In other news this past week, pigs may not be as stupid as we thought.  Actually, let’s face it, no one cares about how smart pigs might be except for misguided researchers intent on wasting millions of dollars so we can figure out how smart our food might be before it walks to slaughter.  A study on pig cognition has shown that pigs must be quick learners.  Wanna know what it is to lead an empty life?  Become a scientific researcher that doesn’t benefit society no matter how “successful” they ever become.  I wonder if this is a government-funded (our tax money) project.

Speaking of fat pigs, Rosie O’Donnell was back in the news last week.  I guess pigs aren’t that smart after all.  She managed to chortle out a couple swears before dropping an F bomb on Fallon’s audience.  By the way, Fallon loses a ton of cred in my book for appearing to be so happy about her.  I thought we knew you better Jimmy. 

Rosie’s lone positive contribution to society is that she didn’t ruin A League Of Their Own.  I still can’t believe she played Betty Rubble, beloved cartoon of my youth.  She makes Miss Piggy look like Marilyn Monroe.  I never thought twice about Miss Nasty until I happened to catch her ambushing Tom Selleck on her doomed show back in 1999.  She’s been an abject failure ever since.

Maybe they can send some of these fools to the moon.  According to NASA, there’s plenty of water there for them to drink.  You may remember back on October 9th when some hopeful observers stood on their front porch or lawn to see the Lcross Centuar make impact with the moon.  Apparently you can’t see a car crash 250,000 miles away.  Shocker. 

Veterans Day 2009

Thank you for your service.  We don’t just say it because it sounds good, and you don’t serve just because it looks good.  This site is about truth, and there can be nowhere on earth where the truth is as real and powerful as in war.  Many men and women have served and are serving away from battlegrounds.  They sacrifice so we can be safe.  They are ready when we aren’t.  They lose while we live. 

Thank you.

20th Anniversary Of The Wall’s Fall: Thanks For Playing Communism

Let’s see if I can slip one past the censors here like Adrian Cronauer in Good Morning Vietnam.  The Berlin Wall–the very symbol of the Cold War between capitalism and communism–came down twenty years ago today.  You won’t hear too much about this monstrously historic day from media types hell-bent on leading America towards some of the same failed ideas symbolized by that wall.  You also won’t hear about it from President Obama who is skipping the international celebration of the event!  What?

Well, forgive me if I’d like to celebrate the failure of the Soviet Union and the victory, yes victory, of America and the free world in the Cold War led by President Reagan.  Such statements may shock your American sensibilities, so let’s check in on Europe where they are prominently celebrating this historic anniversary, the commemoration of the day freedom won out, when our open system conquered the veiled evil, yes evil, of the Soviet’s communist empire. 

The Berlin celebration will balance glitz with sobriety.  World leaders such as British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, French President Sarkozy, Russian President Medvedev, and more will be there to speak.  Yet Obama won’t.  As the German news publication Der Spiegel put it, “Barrack is too busy.” 

Obama has already made more international trips in his first year than Bush and Clinton combined, yet he doesn’t have time to go to Berlin.  Now, thanks to a little something called high school, I know a thing or two about getting blown off.  I’ve heard plenty of excuses in the “I have to wash my hair all weekend” mode.  So I feel qualified to say that Obama is full of it.  Sorry Berlin.  Like Molly Ringwald in Pretty In Pink, you can keep putting on all the makeup you want, but sometimes he just isn’t going to show no matter what he says.

This just in from the Not Speaking Of Makeup department: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is attending in Obama’s place.  Oh goodie.

Wanna Fix The Economy? Start With Gym Class

You’ve probably heard by now that Americans of today are the fattest civilization in world history.  Those extra pounds come at a cost to our health and pocketbooks.  We need to help set our kids on the right track to avoid some scary trends in their future.

The NFL Network got me curious about all this with an ongoing advertising blitz to keep gym in school.  Kurt Warner smiles and tells us our kids aren’t getting enough exercise.  Okay, I think.  Then I see Hines Ward, Super Bowl hero and newly elected “Dirtiest Player In Football” by his peers, along with other football stars running in thirty-second slow motion chunks with a bunch of kids.  I wonder, have schools really been eliminating gym class and physical exercise?  I process.  This is the American public school system.  Congress is involved.  I conclude that yep, if there’s a wrong option to be pursued, our politicians will run that sick rabbit down like greyhounds on a fast track.

I hear you already, oh defender of government.  Here he goes again, connecting fat kids with government while bashing politicians.  You’re right.  I’ll spare you my tales as a No Child Left Behind contractor and the pros and cons of that legislation.  I’ll also try to tread lightly over our government in school is destroying our future pamphleteering.  It’s really quite simple though, and it goes like this.

Call it EduClaytion’s Razor.  Maybe you’ve heard of Ockham’s Razor, that medieval scholar who decided that if you have two or more alternatives when trying to figure out a solution, just pick the simplest explanation.  Well, with EduClaytion’s Razor, whenever you have to figure out what went wrong in a particular situation, and the government is at all a character in the story, then go with the politicians involved (they’ll be the ones telling you they can make things better) and figure out what they did this time. 

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The NFL Network’s site for the Keep Gym program clearly lists some facts about the importance of this drive to keep kids active.  You don’t have to be a child psychologist to know that video games (and I’m a big fan) and computers have kept a lot of young people (old peeps for that matter) indoors.  But consider these lowlights.

1.  Childhood obesity has tripled since 1980
2. “Health care providers are finding more and more children with type 2 diabetes and other conditions stemming from obesity and inactivity that were previously diagnosed almost entirely in adults aged 40 years or older.”
3. “Current annual medical costs related to obesity total $147 billion nationally…”
4. Unfit and overweight kids perform worse academically than students who score well on fitness tests.

There’s a ton of meat (forgive the pun) in those four points, but consider that while as calories increase:

“The percentage of students who attend daily PE dropped from 42% in 1991 to 28% in 2003. Fewer than 8% of U.S. middle schools provide daily physical education for the entire school year.”

If anybody needs to run it’s junior high students.  In America, health problems equal money problems, but moral and monetary issues are also connected.  Develop these thoughts on your own, but obesity is only one side of this story.  We aren’t even mentioning consequences of hormonal frustration and pent-up aggression.  Maybe you’ve heard about increasing violence in our schools.  It’s almost like our political and educational leaders want kids to be as screwed up as possible heading into life. 

Obama’s Uh-Oh Of The Month

The results are in.  For those of you unaware, yesterday was actually an election day.  If you missed it, don’t worry.  It’s only the staple of our entire republican way of life in which we give all power to elected representatives in a free and fair process that is the hallmark of democracy.  Whew.  Where was I?

Oh yeah, the Democrats got trounced.  Not surprising if you read history books.  This trend is common.  As a matter of fact, you’ve perhaps heard that in all America’s history, each time a political party takes the White House (i.e. Dems in 2008), that party loses the following midterm elections.  The only two exceptions are FDR and George W. Bush.  Roosevelt had the country’s attention during the Great Depression while Bush rocked America’s approval following 9/11. 

So independents in key states broke for the GOP last night.  That simply lines up with our history, a two century string of checks and balances where the winners eventually lose and the losers can usually make a comeback.

You can read any of a thousand articles for details, but here’s the important basics you should know to gather the meaning of these elections.

1. Obama ‘s influence takes a hit.  He personally campaigned a good deal for his party, most notably Democratic gubernatorial candidates in NJ (Corzine) and Virginia (Deeds).  They both lost even with the president’s backing. 

Monsters and Aliens of the 1980s

We’re in the home stretch of the year, a time that pumps more nostalgia through our work-addled minds than ever.  Sure, Thanksgiving and Christmas play a big part in those memories, thick as eggnog, but in this changing season, the flip from October to November, memories really start to pile up like leaves on a frosty lawn.

I think a big part of this nostalgia has to do with Halloween.  Let’s face it, you’re likely to remember dressing up as a superhero or monster or princess only to slither around in the dark receiving freebies from strangers.  You see yourself behind those masks as the years pass, each pillowcase wielding visitor another spark for stagnant brain files.  Autumn is filled with powerful imagery–the death of nature which is strangely attractive, leaves to be piles and jumped on, and festivals that draw us from the gut over our inborn need to harvest.

Maybe I’m over thinking this.  Maybe it’s just about monster cereals.

You can make a lot of money selling people their childhood back.  If you don’t believe me, drop by eBay later and search vintage toys.  I may know when I’m being had, but sometimes it just tastes too good.  So the other day I was stopped undead in my tracks by brilliant marketing at the grocery store.  Piled in neat pyramids adorned with WOW-shaped sale signs were three of my old friends–Count Chocula and Franken and Boo, the Berry brothers.  I bet you forgot about Yummy Mummy.

I spent many mornings with those three, especially Boo who I must confess was my favorite.  They’d play games and quiz me and even slip me a few surprise gifts buried deep beneath their bounty when mom’s back was turned.  You could always position their faces just so, diagonal at a forty-five degree, so no one could see you ducked below their faces in an imaginative discussion.  I guess Casper was okay, but I much preferred friendly monsters to friendly ghosts.

It’s a great way to stay young, you see.  While most people are fretting over the problems of the universe, I wax nostalgic about breakfast.  Careful though, nostalgia comes with risks.  Feelings of loss will try to seep into fond moments of memories, so you must keep moving and opening drawer after drawer in the dusty file cabinets of your mind.

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Now in the midst of this time machine of a season, network television is dropping a massive memory bomb on me again.  Tonight, a new pilot for an old show is airing on ABC.  The show is V.  That’s V for Visitors, not a Roman numeral for five.  That’s also a big one to cross of the list of the Old Stuff That Somebody Better Bring Back For Movies Or Television list.

If you’re not familiar with V, you’re missing out.  The original version aired in 1983.  The cast included more familiar faces than names, but you might know Robert Englund just before he became Freddy Kreuger, Michael Ironside, and The Beastmaster himself, Marc Singer.  It’s your typical aliens are here, end of the world unless humanity sticks together tale. 

Food, Inc. Wow.

I eat animals just about everyday.  I believe we have dominion over animals but cruelty isn’t included in that responsibility.  I think we should be good stewards of the earth but a lot of environmentalists are out and out liars.  I also feel revulsion when I see those reports about how animals are mistreated for bigtime agribusiness.  What’s an omnivore to do?

I’m challenged to consider how I feel about these things because I just finished watching Food, Inc., one of the best documentaries I’ve ever watched.  [Note: Link to view the film can be found at the end of this post].  I won’t be joining any causes anytime soon, and director Robert Kenner didn’t set out to create a propaganda piece for some organization.  The film attempts to answer one main question: Where does our food come from?

I skip most of these projects when I know I’m going to be bombarded with punishing images of sick cows and chicken massacres only to be told in the end that I’m a horrible person.  Food, Inc. is not about that.  As a matter of fact, one of the main scenes that hooked me was a brief interview early in the film with Eric Schlosser (Fast Food Nation). 

I expected the preaching to begin, but Schlosser (who I know very little about) was seated at a diner trying to decide what he wanted to eat.  He chose a hamburger with fries and took a healthy bite.  At once I knew I was going to hear from investigative journalists rather than preachy hypocrites.  The experts in this film are not kooks like the jokers that spend their lives getting people to hate them so they can feel good about caged animals or dying trees. 

This movie is about the veil between us and where our food comes from.  That veil is heavily guarded by massive corporations and the American government.  Surprise, surprise, Democrats and Republicans are guilty.  The animals that suffer because of a few companies, and I mean a select group dominating everything, are only part of the story.  People are hurt by this corrupt system as well. 

Obama’s House Gives Censorship A Twirl

The White House got a kick in the pants this week from Constitution-wielding media networks.  Fitting that at Halloween time our Executive branch would attempt one of the scariest violations of democratic rights I’ve seen in my lifetime.  Obama’s had a problem with Fox News for some time now for what he feels is unfair treatment.  By unfair, he means they report the news even if it’s critical of him.  Love ’em or hate ’em, if Fox News were making stuff up all the time, they wouldn’t be a part of the White House pool. 

The White House pool is a five network rotation of media outlets that share costs and responsibilities of covering White House happenings.  Fox News has been a part of the pool since 1997.  On Thursday, the White House tried to exclude Fox News from interviewing Obama’s pay czar Ken Feinberg.  The decision to ban a major news network from the president’s administration is stunning, and I don’t mean stunning as in “look at Kate Beckinsale!”  I’m talking stunning as in here’s a taser right to the gut of First Amendment rights. 

Remember Thomas Jefferson’s take on the importance of the press?  If you’ve never read this before, here you go.

“The basis of our governments being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter. But I should mean that every man should receive those papers and be capable of reading them.” — Thomas Jefferson to Edward Carrington, 1787.

Well, here comes the good part of this story.  The other members of the D.C. press put aside partisan obsession and decided that Jefferson was right and Obama’s White House is wrong.  ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN refused to interview Feinberg if Fox was to be ostracized.  The White House caved.  How cool is that?

Obama Get Nobel Peace Prize, Plans War In Middle East

The AP headline this morning read “In A Surprise, Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize.”  In related news, other shocking announcements reveal that the sun rose, the Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Philadelphia Flyers again, and David Letterman isn’t perfect.  Quite frankly, I was more surprised this morning at how much Fruity Pebbles we had left.

A white-knuckled, teeth clenched Chelsea Clinton told reporters that “No, really, mom and dad are thrilled for the president.  They have in no way turned the living room into an MMA fighting arena.”

Many observers won’t be stunned that Obama was given a Nobel.  He has gone to great pains to hook up with the rest of the world, but you’re not gonna have to find Glenn Beck on the radio to hear someone question the merits of this award.  Questions are already popping this week about Obama’s relationship with the left-wing media.  Wolf Blitzer’s beard almost came off as he condemned Saturday Night Live’s sendup of the president’s year one lack of accomplishments.  Early reaction to this morning’s announcement is drawing more criticism.

Newsweek blogger David A. Graham doesn’t share the Prize Committee’s zeal.  In an article detailing some other controversial selections, Graham points out that it’s a bit early for such acclaim.  After all, didn’t Arizona State University feel Obama shouldn’t even get an honorary degree?  Furthermore, the author notes, “Obama is likely to order thousands more troops into a warzone within weeks.” 

The president’s supporters have been picking up criticism lately over Obama’s escalation of the war in Afghanistan and his failure to close Guantanamo or even release prisoners anywhere near the rate of the Bush administration.  While Obama draws ire from his base, he ain’t exactly gathering new supporters from the right.  One might suggest that Obama could end up a man without a country, but that’s not the case.  Tons of countries love him; he just isn’t doing so well in America. 

You can expect a parade of skepticism from all over the world similar to that of Lech Walesa, former President of Poland, the baddest Pole I’ve ever met, and 1983 Nobel Peace laureate.  “So soon?   Too early. [Obama] has no contribution so far.  He is still at an early stage.  He is only beginning to act.” 

I can’t seem to find any lines in there to read between.

The AP makes this business sound like dog training.  The peace prize committe meant to scold former President Bush while luring the young president with a Nobel bone.  “Come on Obama.  You’re doing good!  Keep it up!”  If the criticism ever gets too tough, die-hards can always fall back on the comforting knowledge that Obama only makes mistakes because of what George Bush did to America.

Most Influential Man Of The Year

Who is the most influential man of the year?  Askmen.com ranked the top 49 in this area.  Lists may be a cheap way to throw together click-inducing articles, but recapping those lists is even dirtier.  Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do that.  Much.

As you would expect, the opinion of whoever selected these names is a mess.  Of course, it’s also meaningless, just good water cooler chat.  So here’s a few thunderbolts from the list.

#38–Bear Grylls

My readers know how I feel about the star of Man Vs. Wild.  I see quite a few men who shouldn’t have beat Bear Grylls.  Some of the higher names include Renaldo, some other soccer loser at #22, the lead singer of Coldplay, and even a couple of fashion gurus!  Internationally known fashion designers have about as much impact on society as Rupaul.  Vince from Shamwow made a bigger impact than most of these fools. 

#34–Sidney Crosby

 Sid is at once the reason I heard of this list, wrote this article, and give the site’s authors zero credibility.  Crosby at #34?  I suppose they think he wasn’t the most important human on the planet in the past year.

#33–Kobe Bryant

I don’ know who is more annoying, Kobe or…

#26–Kanye West

You know what I think of the president’s favorite jackass.  It’s kind of like when Time suggests Iranian tyrant Ahmadinejad for Man of the Year.

Mario Lemieux Day

October 5 belongs to the big guy, Mario Lemieux. Today number 66 turns 44.

Crazy how many famous types share this birthday. A bunch of athletes join actors like Kate Winslet and Guy Pearce. The 2nd best goalie of all-time Patrick Roy even shares the exact same birthday, but Mario was and is more than all those other characters combined.

In case you’re not clear on this, I’m coming from the perspective that Mario Lemieux is the greatest athlete who ever lived. Unless Jesus was on a wrestling squad I’m unfamiliar with.

When it comes to Le Magnifique, words are unnecessary. All you need is video. So do yourselves a freakin’ service and watch the greatest of all-time be amazing.

(Btw, See if you recognize the guy dishing Mario the puck in Great Goal #2. ;-))

“What’s My Destiny Momma?”

Do you believe in destiny? In 1994, Forrest Gump asked his dying mother a powerful question: “What’s my destiny Momma?” Did she have the answer? Do you? Is her response any good? If you believe the movie, perhaps not.

It’s been 15 years since that film came out (and in the process made nearly $700 million). Paramount’s been kicking around the idea of a sequel for years. Producers would now like to get the movie out sometime in the next couple of years, but it takes an awful lot to get such projects going and completed even though a script’s been in place for years. Some complications have held the thing up. Most of all, will Tom Hanks reclaim the role he mastered? If he doesn’t, would you be interested? Me neither probably.

You may not recognize the name of the movie’s screenwriter Eric Roth, but you’ve probably heard of a couple of his films like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Good Shepherd, Munich, Ali, and more. Yeah, he’s pretty good and has probably made more money than Gump & Co., the title of the planned sequel to his 1994 masterpiece.

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It’s almost as if Winston Groom, author of the original 1986 novel, listened to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Simple Man and then created Forrest. So much of the simpleton’s story can be summed up in the first verse of that song.

 “Take your time… dont live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you’ll find love,
And dont forget son,
There is someone up above.”

Someone said Forrest believes in God, Momma, and Jenny, and “everything else has to be filtered through those three things.”

He encounters one character after another with bigtime dreams. Jenny seeks fame; Bubba wants to run a shrimpin’ business; Lt. Dan longs to fulfill his military destiny.  None of them achieve the success they long for, yet Forrest attains all those things and more without ever realizing what he has. He just want to make his mama proud and be loved by Jenny.

People think he’s a genius, a brave hero, an inspiration, and more. Forrest accomplished all this stuff without trying, but as far as he was concerned, he didn’t achieve much. Those things didn’t matter to him, and after Jenny left he felt so alone and empty that he literally ran for years. He thought a lot about the people who’d impacted his life, but mostly he thought about Jenny. Like many of us, he was obsessed with that one thing he couldn’t have, life’s biggest regret.

He just knew that “Momma always said you gotta put the past behind you before you can move on.” That’s what his run was all about. Everyone wants to know the reason he runs or does anything. The answer is often the simplest possible explanation.

We want to believe that we too can maintain our innocence despite all the terrible realities around us. We’re drawn to themes of heartfelt innocence and simplicity because the more we understand, the harder life is to digest.