AFC North Blotter

For the love of the Chief.  What would Art Rooney say if he saw his beloved franchise piling up more citations than a frat house fight club.  The Pittsburgh Steelers were once the cleanest cut of all sports franchises.  Now, they’ve spiraled into a police blotter laughingstock. 

Maybe they’ve been brought down by the company they keep.  The AFC North division of the NFL continues to produce some of professional football’s finest idiots.  I’m surprised the league hasn’t realigned to get the Oakland Raiders in with the Cincinnati Bengals, Baltimore Ravens, Cleveland Brown, and em’ Stillers.    

 If you ignore these stories, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger just dodged another legal bullet yesterday when the DA in the case announced no charges would be filed over allegations of sexual assault.  In the meantime, Super Bowl MVP receiver Santonio Holmes got in more trouble for smoking more weed (among other things) and proved that winning doesn’t make you mature when he posted messages to the public which might as well have said, “Dear Steelers, please get rid of me as soon as possible for being such a complete…”  You get the idea.  These events come on the heels of over two years of other legal problems for players Jeff Reed, James Harrison, and Cedrick Wilson.  

Let me be clear about Big Ben first.  He is not guilty of anything more than terrible judgment.  The showboating DA made this point repeatedly and inappropriately during the press conference to announce there would be no trial because there was no evidence and the alleged victim and her family were adamantly against even filing in the first place.  So Ben is innocent of criminality but guilty of stupidity.  College was fun and all, but what is an internationally-known super-millionaire doing in a college bar in Georgia?    

I wish he would talk to

Quicksand Jesus

A few years back, exhausted from a late night drive, I crawled into a hotel room somewhere and flipped on the television to crash out. Some religious program popped on with talk of controversy over a song call Quicksand Jesus by the band Skid Row. Lead singer Sebastian Bach was laughing at criticisms that his lyrics were blasphemous or something.

Skid Row blew up in the 80s along with all those other hair metal bands in the years before Kurt Cobain killed the pretty boy culture by declaring everything so useless with his angst-ridden movement. (What a downer that guy was). My sister was always quick to point out that Bach (not the German composer) was tone deaf. I’ll be quick to point out that he’s Canadian. Some of you might be quick to point out he’s on Celebrity Fit Club, a show so terrible I wouldn’t watch it even if I had cable.

Anyway, back to the controversy in that hotel room. I should have paid better attention because I really can’t remember the argument. This is where my snarky friends say, “Good story hot shot.You oughta write that down.” Well, enough years have passed that I can take some artistic license here in recreating the argument.

Late Night Preacher Type With Bad Hair: This song is offensive.

Strung Out Canadian Front Man: Yeah right! (High pitched scream).

LNPTWBH: …Satan sings the chorus…

SOCFM: You couldn’t be more wrong. This song is actually about how people use religion as a crutch.

LNPTWBH: That’s enough for me.

Not known for theology

The real irony, other than the contrast of hair styles, is that they were probably both off the mark. Skid Row wasn’t trying to make the church happy, but they also weren’t exactly in league with Lucifer. The song is actually filled with questions, probably honest questions of someone trying to understand how spiritual beliefs work or matter so much to certain people.

***

The idea of Quicksand Jesus has generated a lot of discussion since its release nearly two decades ago. I guess the popular thought is that people turn to religion or Jesus when they are in the quicksand, when life is falling apart. That means God is either a crutch or a savior. You could move towards extremes in either direction from there. I’ve heard one person say those with faith are only sinking; another says once Jesus has you it’s like being locked in quicksand.

I think it’s pretty amazing that billions of people are still trying to figure out what to do with Jesus as we go on over 2,000 years after his crucifixion. Half the world doesn’t even believe in him and the half that does can’t decide whether he belongs on a cross or not. The man is not going away. He’s as relevant as ever.

Here we are at Easter, a holiday for which the very name has become divisive. People are having battles on Facebook and email and TV over just how offensive Jesus actually is. Some folks get enraged by the simple mention of his name while others think the whole thing is a joke. All of history is divided on his lifetime. Today, all of society is divided over his death. Some say it never happened. Some say he stayed dead. Many people, including President Obama again today, say

The Assassination of Jesse James

April 3rd is the day they finally got Jesse James.  Actually, it was only one man, Robert Ford with the help of his brother Charlie.  A couple of years ago Hollywood took yet another crack at the life of this infamous criminal.  We just can’t get enough of these 19th century outlaws.

Here’s the opening scene to that film.  Somehow the movie maintains a slow pace yet keeps tension throughout.

Fall Of The Crow

Brandon Lee was accidentally killed in North Carolina while filming The Crow on this date in 1993.  He was only 28 years old and by all accounts would have been on his way to a whole lot of fame and stardom.  Many strange occurences conspired to end his life.  You might say it was just his time.  To make the story even stranger, his father Bruce Lee had also died under bizarre conditions. 

The point is that you never know.  Be thankful for each day you have.  This could be the last thing you ever read.  Are you ready?

A Year Of EduClaytion: The Extravaganza!

This months marks the 1st anniversary of EduClaytion.  The world hasn’t disappointed on the interesting happenings front and neither have you.  Together we’ve laid out some strange angles on triumphs, tragedies, and everything in between.  We’ve watched America become an Obama nation while surviving threats from Scientologists and swine.  You’ll find no shortage of pop culture references here either, be it Kevin Bacon, Braveheart, or the Breakfast Club.  Shoot, even the animal kingdom’s been involved from victorious Penguins to a gay, Polish elephant.

I’ve enjoyed watching certain topics take off while others crashed and burned.  After one year, the results are in on what you, the readers, have pointed and clicked on more than anything else.  Even more amazing are some of the actual things people have been searching for in order to arrive here.  Finally, the judges are ready to announce the article of the year near the end of this gala.  So, let’s see what we can learn about our net-surfing selves by reshredding the cyberwaves of this past year.

MOST READ TOPIC / ARTICLE

One particular article beat out all the rest and it wasn’t even close.  We continue to find terrorism too relevant to resist.  With three times more views than any other topic, the most read piece by a mile was What Does A Terrorist Look Like? which appeared last May after I took a plane trip to Florida.  This one didn’t generate the most on-site discussion, but the comments section did get a little frightening a bit later.

MOST POPULAR ARTICLE: RUNNERS UP

From first to second we go from serious to ridiculous.  The next two most clicked selections were pop culture conglomerations that attempted to link a few different well-known phenoms.  The first was Braveheart, Weird Science, and Kevin Bacon–not exactly NBC Nightly News stuff but fun and apparently appealing.  Close on the heels of Robert the Bruce and Co. was Chuck, Fletch, and Quantum Leap, a nifty write-up that combined three of my faves.  I guess folks just like Chevy Chase and really want a Quantum Leap movie.  Fletch too.

HONORABLE MENTION

Another strange split here near the top.  Rounding out the top five are Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em and Monster Cereals and The Aliens Of “V” or Childhood In The 80s, which also has to be the longest title since the 18th century.  Some days you want hard-hitting, investigative journalism; some days you want to talk about The Greatest Cartoons of All-Time.

MOST POLARIZING ARTICLE

Without a doubt, the most outspoken comments followed Worry About Your Own Sin.  The thread at the end of the article was only the beginning.  That one was difficult to write as far as hitting an appropriate balance.  No matter where I’m speaking, the topic always gets people going.

ARTICLE THAT RECEIVED A SURPRISINGLY CALM RESPONSE

That would have to be Hating On Hate Crimes.  Sometimes you know what you are saying is not offensive, but that it won’t matter.  That’s when you close your eyes and hit the submit button.

MOST POPULAR SEARCH TOPICS THAT LED READERS HERE

No surprise that “terrorist” or some form of it led the most people here.  You may be surprised at the second most popular fetcher though.  Miss California Carrie Prejean got a ton of hits.  Something tells me you all were more interested in finding dirty pictures than hearing her views on Jesus.

STRANGEST SEARCH TERMS TO LEAD READERS HERE

You don’t want to know.  To be fair though, there was at least one article here about dead bodies and sex.

The Brave Heart of Robert The Bruce

The human heart can soar and be lifted or fall shattered and broken. It can be open or cold, trusting or wicked. Thanks to the film Braveheart we also know that a heart can be brave, but did you know that the historical reference never referred to Mel Gibson’s heroic character William Wallace? I’m no Milton, but if it’s poetry you seek, consider the tale of a heart taken from the chest of a fallen

king only to journey for seven centuries before finally reaching its intended resting place. Legends are most amazing when they’re true, as this story is.

You see, today’s a big anniversary in my family; although none of us have ever really thought about it much. March 27th was a great day for my 27th great-grandfather. Yes, that’s a long time ago, over 700 years to be exact. On this date in 1306, Robert the Bruce was crowned King Robert I of Scotland.

This legendary figure came to international attention after the movie Braveheart was released in 1995. For as much as I love that film, the story is more fiction than fact. That’s good news for those upset at the thought of Robert the Bruce’s dastardly betrayal of William Wallace at Falkirk. In real history, no such treason ever took place. The Bruce was, however, a brutal warrior.

Like William Wallace, Robert’s rival was the powerful King Edward I “Longshanks” of England. Robert became king only a few months after Wallace was executed by Longshanks in 1305 (the movie actually watered that scene down. Seriously…). For the new Scottish king, the fight for Scottish independence would last years longer. Longshanks arrested and imprisoned Robert’s wife, daughter, and sisters. His brother Nigel was captured and executed in the same manner as Wallace.

Longshanks died in 1307 and left the kingdom to his son, Edward II. Unfortunately for Scottish rebels, the son wasn’t quite as incompetent as the movie makes out. The fight for freedom lasted until 1314 when the Scottish warriors “fought like warrior poets and won their freedom” at Bannockburn.

 ***

Robert I ruled until his death in 1329. His dying wish was requested of longtime companion Sir James Douglas–a supporter of William Wallace and the knight in charge of the army’s left-wing at Bannockburn. King Robert asked that his heart be removed and carried “against the enemies of the name of Christ.”  The heart was placed in a casket and carried by Douglas, a legend in his own right, to Granada in Spain.

 While carrying the chest, Douglas was ambushed as he tried to aid a fellow warrior. About to be slain, the courageous knight held out the casket and said, “Onward brave heart, Douglas shall follow thee or die.” He didn’t make it.  

Sorry Florida: No Sex With Porcupines

Florida is easy to pick on.  I think a lot of us outside the Sun Belt like to cast aspersions on states with nice weather just like a lot of folks like to ridicule supermodels and athletes to feel better about themselves.  While having some fun with Florida’s python hunting season, I discovered a long list of crazy laws still on the books in the Sunshine State.

Some of these ordinances are more strange than disturbing.  Did you know that in Miami it’s illegal for a man to wear any type of strapless gown?  How about the Tampa Bay restriction that forbids eating cottage cheese after 6 p.m. on Sundays?  Hard to believe isn’t it?  Women can also get fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer.  The salon owner gets in trouble too.

Perhaps the most inexplicable law of all is the prohibition of having sexual relations with a porcupine.  I would love to know the true life events that led a lawmaker to feel the necessity to ban human-porcupine intercourse.  Now, I am no big fan of far-reaching government controls, but I do happen to think that avoiding this type of behavior is a good idea.

Sometimes these rules are just misinterpreted.  For example, some college spring breakers may totally misunderstand a Sarasota mandate that you may not catch crabs.  This one’s about shellfish gang.

***

To be fair, Florida isn’t the only state with super bizarro laws.  You can find ridiculous rules just about everywhere.

Alabama has a decent collection of crazy rules.  I know, shocking right?  Although incestuous marriages are permitted, bear wrestling matches  and spitting in front of the opposite sex are not.  That basically means you can marry your sister, just don’t spit in front of her.  Also, when in Alabama be sure to never wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church, and under no circumstances are you to have an ice cream cone in your back pocket.  Laugh if you want, but I think that’s good advice for ice cream lovers everywhere.

You can find some great laws on the other side of the country as well.  In California, for example, it’s illegal to shoot at animals from a moving vehicle unless the target is a whale.  I would love to hear the discussion that led to that one.  Like we have such a whale-overcrowding issue.  Did the men sitting around the table agree to the first part until they thought, “You know, that’s a good law but what if one of us finally gets a clean shot at a whale while driving down the coast?”

You can find more of these from all across our fruited plain.  Indiana has its fair share, but I do think they are really handcuffing the service industry by outlawing barbers from threatening to cut off kid’s ears.  How else are you supposed to get them to sit still?

You can go on like this for a while.  I don’t even want to mess with Texas.  Some of you shouldn’t be judgmental here though.  I’m looking at you Illinois.

Python Hunting Season Is Here…Finally

Get ready Florida residents cause it’s that time of the year.  That’s right: Python hunting season is here.  Florida is a strange place with a long tradition of stranger traditions and rules.  Like Forrest Gump once said, “It’s this whole other country.”

For just $26 South Florida residents can obtain a special python hunting permit.  That may seem a little pricey when you consider that South Florida residents can already walk into the Everglades and suffer a horrible death enjoy nature for free.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re saying, “Sure fella that’s great for professional snake hunters, but what about those of us inexperienced with man-guzzling pythons?”  Good question.  Florida officials are one step ahead of you.  They are offering workshops on how to identify, stalk, and capture deadly reptiles. 

>

Some pythons will reconsider their next joy slither

Seriously.

First off, I can probably help out with that whole “how do I identify a reptile that may end my life?” dilemma.  Here are some tips.  If it ain’t furry, moves quick, and hisses at you while striking, you’ve probably located something to watch out for.  If a creature looks nothing like a puppy yet curls up in your garage, be leary.  If you are in the Everglades, don’t trust anything that moves. 

As for the whole capture thing, you may want to consult those professionals or just watch Bear Grylls capture and kill a gator in the swamp.

Now for you extra-zealous reptile hunters out there, you might be wondering why so many limitations.  “Only Burmese Python season?” you say.  Fret not my psychopathic friend.  Also in season are fellow pythons of the Indian and African rock persuasion.  I imagine the ACLU already has a lawsuit in the works for some type of reptilian discrimination.  But wait there’s more!  You can also take green anacondas and Nile monitor lizards.  Seriously.

Bay 9 News in Florida has a constant stream of python related stories.  I know this because my sister is a total Bay 9 junkie.  Consider some of these stories.

Students On Strike

College students across 32 states skipped classes yesterday.  Well, that actually happens everyday, but yesterday they had a purpose beyond sleeping in.  These motivated matriculators are protesting budget cuts, employee layoffs, and increasing costs which damage the quality of education.  I think.  It’s also possible they just wanted get out of class.  Also their teachers might just be offering them extra credit for making so much noise to administrators.

Students from all walks of life participated in the chaotic movement.  See them as you want to see them but student protestors include athletes…and basket cases…and princesses…and maybe even a criminal.  Whoever they are, they better not mess with the bull or they’ll get the horns.

One witness reportedly heard the following exchange yesterday.

UPTIGHT TOP BRASS AUTHORITY FIGURE:  “What was that ruckus?”

FAST-THINKING ANGST-RIDDEN STUDENT: “Uh, what ruckus?”

UTBAF: “I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus.”

F-TA-RS: “Could you describe the ruckus sir?”

And so it went until the hard-nosed administrator threatened to “crack skulls” if the demonstrators persisted.

***

The walkouts ranged from coast to coast.  Students from CUNY to the University of Washington participated in the nationwide “March 4th National Day of Action for Public Education.”  Their goal was to shut down campuses for half a day in protest of rising tuition costs and supporting educational workers.  Another problem seems to be that tuition is going up as scholarship opportunities go down.

In a USA Today article on the student rally, Maryland junior Jon Berger was quoted as saying:

“We’re seeing more classes taught by adjuncts and grad students who aren’t getting paid (fairly).  We’re seeing larger class sizes, and some kids in certain majors … can’t get all the courses they need in four years.”

Almost A Century Of Reagan

The last man to win the presidency by capturing 49 states would have turned 99 today.  The anti-Reagan movement has tossed and turned over the past two decades, but it’s quite okay to call the 40th president what he was: Super Awesome.

Here’s a small dose from a healthy batch of the kind of medicine America could use these days.  The first clip is taken from his farewell address of January 1989.  The second shortie comes from an old-fashioned press conference when reporters challenged political leaders. 

History Haters In The House

There’s a lot of reasons certain people hate history.  Those reasons usually have something to do with stupid teachers who could bore children at a birthday party.  Apparently some of these brainless yahoos are in charge of educating the youth of North Carolina. 

Some Tar Heel State educators don’t think much of George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson or any other historical figures before 1877.  According to proposed curriculum changes, teenagers shouldn’t have to bother with trivial little events from the past like the American Revolution or the Civil War or like, you know, irrelevant stuff like that.

In other news, the North Carolina Department of Public Instruction is apparently hiring idiots just in case you are in the job market, completely clueless, and eager to contribute to another bloated government agency that uses tax dollars to issue moronic and dangerous initiatives.

In a nutshell, the idea is to teach high school juniors and seniors American history from 1877 on.  Instead of getting the story before that time period, freshman would take a global studies course, ostensibly to learn about the environment and what makes polar bears cry.  I guess this plan will remove the challenges of explaining slavery and the war it caused; although, good luck explaining every Founding Father reference Martin Luther King Jr. ever made.  Does this make LBJ the new Abraham Lincoln?  Yuck.  My fingers just threw up in their mouth a little.

The goal of this flubtubbery* is to help students learn about recent history in greater depth.  And to think, for years I’ve been explaining to students how impossible it is to understand our current world without the proper context of the past.

***

Don’t just take my word for it.  Listen to what Rebecca Garland, chief executive officer for the aforementioned N.C. Dept. of Public Instruction, has to say.  She’s left plenty of slack here to strangle her own logic.  You’ll have to pardon my interruptions.

“We are certainly not trying to go away from American history,” she began in a recent interview.  TRANSLATION: We are trying to go away from American history.

“What we are trying to do is figure out a way to teach it where students are connected to it…”  TRANSLATION: The reason teachers (oh, I’m sorry, educators) like me are boring is because we are so bored.  REALITY: Why don’t these people call me?  I’ll gladly charge the government exorbitant consulting fees to teach teachers how to impact students.  It’s a wild strategy I’ve developed called teaching the freaking American Revolution through the eyes of people who were actually there!  One recent problem has been using guesswork texts from modern blowhards who write boring and self-serving books about history.  They are boring, not Thomas Paine and Ben Franklin.

What About Emmett Till?

I’m always amazed at how America ranks its national heroes. Since President Ronald Reagan’s 1983 bill-signing and Pres. George H.W. Bush’s 1992 proclamation, all 50 states have used this day to honor Martin Luther King Jr. for his leadership and sacrifice during the modern civil rights movement. Today will give way to a month  of focusing on black history and folks like Rosa Parks. Despite all these remembrances, speeches and textbooks across the country will continue to ignore the most important spark that motivated these honored icons.

***

In 1954, a 14-year-old boy left Chicago for a trip to Mississippi. Within a few days, he was abducted and brutally murdered for “talking fresh” to a white woman. This “violation” consisted of little more than a light-hearted whistle and a wink. His killers, J.W. Milam and Roy Bryant, beat and shot him then attached a cotton gin fan to the body with barbed wire and sank the corpse in the Tallahatchie River. A local boy found the body three days later.

Emmett’s mother Mamie, another strong woman often left out of the history books, ordered the caretaker to open the coffin. Horrific sights and smells escaped. She then demanded that no attempt be made to fix her boy. The funeral would be open casket. The pictures were also run by Jet magazine and are easy enough to find with Google but be forewarned if you don’t handle that type of thing well.

The impact of the images and assistance of media helped bring the story into a national light by September 1955 when the trial took place. In a segregated courtroom, eyewitnesses identified the accused men. The jury listened to the testimony but also heard the judge say, “I’m sure every last Anglo-Saxon one of you has the courage to free these men.” They did and even took an hour to grab a cola across the street before delivering the verdict. Not guilty.

Shortly after the trial, Milam and Bryant accepted $4,000 each to give the true account of what really happened. Thanks to our double jeopardy law, they could not be tried again even upon admitting guilt. In a blow-by-blow account, they detailed the murder including how enraged they became when Emmett refused to properly fear them. Blacks and civil rights supporters were outraged. They took action. 

Open Ended Questions & Pregnant Bowlers

During the holiday break, I’ve discovered another way that Google makes life better. Well, more interesting anyway.

Have you ever begun typing a search question only to have random phrases suggested to help you complete your query? These phrases are based on real searches done by real people, and they are fascinating. I’m amazed at how many people go directly to the Google box with life’s largest dilemmas, but apparently they do. You really should try it out.

You can start simple enough. For example, type in a basic open ender like “how do I” and see what pops up. My personal favorite is “how do I know if I’m pregnant.” Sorry honey, anyone who could potentially create life should at least be equipped enough to figure out that little mystery without Google. Maybe she should chat with all the people asking “how do I get pregnant.”

Here’s some other tasty little chestnuts from the search monster. They are as interesting as they are indicative of how insane our society has become. All you have to do is begin to suggest something like…

Why would anyone…

Hits under this opener range from “why would anyone believe in God” to “why would anyone name a cleanser Ajax.” What the? You can also explore why anyone would get married, buy a Mac, or play Russian roulette. My favorite has to be “why would anyone want to be led by you.”

What should I…

This one’s good for figuring out that Halloween costume or the right Christmas gift for your boyfriend, but my personal favorite is the blunt “what should I do with my life.” Your in luck though. Looks like there’s even a quiz to find the answer.

What will…

Merry Christmas 2009!

Defining Generation X

In 2003, the original print version of EduClaytion appeared in the Pittsburgh E Resource, a bi-weekly publication of Infinity Broadcasting.  After the capture of Saddam Hussein on December 15th of that year, I ran a story titled “Saddam’s Role In Defining A Generation” which chronicled the biggest events in the lifetime of Generation X.  What were the defining moments of the first generation to grow up on television and where did the capture of Hussein rank?  

Although the article wasn’t intended to rile people up, the next week I received the best hate mail ever complete with pseudo-death threat, the only one I recall receiving to date.  “You will die devil man,” or something to that effect.  He also called me “Hitler-Stalin-KKK man,” which gave us a few laughs around the office.  Maybe he was most angry about the illustration my artist came up with, Saddam’s head munching cheese atop the body of a rat whose tail curved down the page.  He pleads, “Don’t shoot me pleeease!”  Hey, even CNN agreed. We never understood what set that guy off other than the fact he was a semi-literate buffoon. 

After perusing the old article recently, I got to wondering how we’ve changed.  Does the list hold up?  What incidents have made the most powerful impact on a generation that succeeded the Baby Boomers and (according to some) goes back as far as 1961? 

Because of television, I wrote, “Gen Xers have grown up witnessing history in the making like no other generation.”  We are all historians because we pass on memories formed from our visual perspective when these world-changing moments occur.  

Tragic moments defined the list.  I already disagree with some of these picks from six years ago, and you probably will too.  I hope to hear some feedback.  By the way, the cut off originally used was people born around 1970-71. 

*** 

1. The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 topped the list.  That won’t change.  I concluded: 

“The experience was prolonged, close to home, and unfolding in front of our eyes.  The incredible spirit of resiliency displayed by this country was empowering but not without a dangerous side effect.  The magnitude was enormous, the fear so real, and when it was over a national desensitization was inevitable.  Nothing in our lives will ever shock us as it would have before the infamous attack.” 

2. The Berlin Wall Comes Down 

No other event held a greater significance for more people. 

3. The Explosion of the Challenger Shuttle 

The 2003 version of me is trying to convince v. 2009 here.  I wrote: 

“The historical impact of the Challenger tragedy may not equal these other events but was the quintessential moment of tragedy in the memory of Gen X…Like a first kiss, there is only one event to serve as the first time something happened in the world and we know where we were and what we were doing.” 

I see what I mean but am not sure if I buy that lofty ranking. 

4. The Gulf War (Persian Gulf War of 1991) 

“A war on TV was not new to the country but was new to those born in the 70s.  We knew men and women risking their lives…” 

5. The War In Iraq (2003) 

The soldiers fighting went from older relatives to peers.  I have a hunch that many people would drop this down the list, but I’m not sure. 

6. The Capture of Saddam 

He’s been dead for a while now, but don’t forget his record of genocide and murder.  What dictator committed more atrocities in our lifetime?  By December 2003, it seemed he would never be captured, but there he was cowering in a hole, a “coward’s hideout.”  The serviceman who shone a light into Hussein’s face reportedly said, “President Bush sends his regards.”  Later, President Bush said, “Good riddance, the world is better off without you.”  What an imperialist pig.  I love happy endings.