A Tall LSD Tale

On Wikipedia Wednesday I take the Wiki’s word for it about what happened on this date in history (give or take a day) and vamp up the rest to connect the events.  It’s okay.  I’m a trained historian.

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The first Ukrainian girl I ever had a crush on was figure skater Oksana Baiul.  I’m sure she would’ve enjoyed yesterday’s birthday a little more knowing that.  Im not sure how old I was at the time, maybe the same age as William Tell’s son when his dad shot an apple off of his noggin with a bow and arrow, a feat accomplished on November 18th way back in 1307.

Now before you go all CYS on him, remember that he was forced to shoot that fruit off his son’s head as a punishment by the Austrian authorities.  A miss meant execution for he and his son.  Tell–the legend of Switzerland–made the shot, became a symbol of resistance to tyranny, and got an overature written about him.  I’m sure William Wallace would’ve appreciated such daring had he not been executed a couple years earlier.  Wallace got his due when Braveheart was made featuring Sophie Marceau who also celebrates a birthday today. 

Keeping with this European theme, the mighty Wiki says that the U.S. recognized the Soviet Union on this date in 1933.  Interesting choice of words that.  It’s as if the two had hung out in the 1920s but hadn’t seen each other in a while.  Fast forward to the same day in 1989 and it was the Soviet Union doing the recognizing, specifically a realization that the communist reign was over as Czechoslovakia launched its famous Velvet Revolution which any 20th century student of mine well knows.

That velvety movement was smoother than Richard Nixon who spent this day in ’73 telling the world “I am not a crook.”  Speaking of horrible movements in the history of government, the Federal Reserve officially opened on November 16, 1914, an innovation that successfully allowed America to go from periodic cycles of economic downturn to periodic cycles of the worst economic meltdowns in history.

At least Milton Friedman wasn’t around to see this latest financial meltdown.  The good economist left us on this date in 2006.  Of all the great things Friedman said in his 94 years, one of the best statements must’ve been, “I don’t really care very much what I’m called [concerning his political persuasion]. I’m much more interested in having people thinking about the ideas, rather than the person.”

And while we’re talking about great ideas, how about buttons on phones?  That little chestnut came our way 47 years ago today.  I find it hard to believe that push-button phones were around in 1963 since we still had a rotary phone in my house until the 21st century.  For you younger folks, rotary phones required a circular crank to dial.  I practically had to stretch before calling someone.  When they made us start dialing area codes I almost tore my rotator cuff.  Calling radio contests was a nightmare.  “Be caller #5 right now!”  Yeah right.  Not even a Mister Miyagi pencil dial could get that big wheel around in time.

Technology isn’t the only thing with ancient roots to this week in history.  Go way back to 42 B.C. and you’ll find the birthday of Roman Emperor Tiberius.  He may have been born B.C. but he died A.D. and in the middle ruled Rome during the crucifixion of the history-breaking Jesus of Nazareth who put that C in B.C.  Tiberius was succeeded by Caligula who was widely regarded as a crazy person. 

Maybe Caligula acted that way because he got into some kind of ancient hallucinogens.  If he did, we know they weren’t of the synthetic variety like LSD which was first synthesized on November 16, 1938 by Dr. Albert Hoffman.  And in case you didn’t know, Hoffman was a Swiss doctor who did his work in Switzerland, a country that might not have existed had William not made that fateful shot and lived to tell a tall Tell tale.

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Any questions before your test?  Follow me on Twitter @eduClaytion.

People I Forgot Existed Before Twitter

The Twitterverse is a strange place indeed.  I haven’t ventured too far in yet, but I’ve seen a good bit and read plenty of articles about the unique culture that has become a major force in social networking.  In between tweeting and meeting new tweeps, I’ve bounced into some familiar names, people I hadn’t thought about for the longest time, people like:

Gary Busey ~ @THEGaryBusey

At first I wasn’t sure why Gary Busey wanted a Twitter page.  Maybe he just needed somewhere to put all those teeth.  Turns out he’s been busy and just became a dad again at age 65!  Maybe I caught him at a strange time, but he seems to be working out some issues through Twitter therapy.  Here’s a sampling of Gary Busey as:

Motivational speaker: “Tomorrow is a new day.”  October 10

Clinical psychologist: “My hair is never proper but it’s always perfect. That’s called self acceptance.”  October 12

Astronomer: “A star is a self contained mass of gas way up in the sky.”  October 13

Master of the obvious: “No two people are the same, but you can do the same things.” October 20

Finally, Gary Busey as Gary Busey: “I think I can hear my toenails grow.” October 24 at 3:06 p.m.  Then after apparently thinking about it for a couple of hours, “I definitely can hear my toenails grow.”  October 24 at 5:09 p.m.  And just seconds later he offered, “With my improved hearing, I can hear nosehairs whistle on people with noses with hair.”

Wow.  That reminds me, I haven’t watched Point Break in a decade or so.

Justine Bateman ~ @JustineBateman

If you missed the 80s, we had this little show called Family Ties which kind of rocked the decade.  The biggest star was Michael J. Fox as one Alex P. Keaton.  Well, he had a ditzy sister named Mallory played by Justine Bateman.  I think a large percentage of my witty comeback skills came from watching Alex eviscerate Mallory.  I always loved how she didn’t even understand yet the digs were satisfactory.  These skills would come in handy as I entered high school, college, and the rest of life.  Bateman also appeared in an episode of Psych last year, so she gets extra points because that is one of the most clever shows around.

Fred Savage ~ @thefredsavage

Speaking of the 80s (and 90s), how about The Wonder Years?  That show rocked.  Kevin Arnold wasn’t the only kid who dreamed of Winnie Cooper.  While I never forgot about Winnie–the all-time one that got away–I did manage to forget about Fred Savage.  His bio sums it up though.  Looks like he’s directing, married, and raising two kids.  I wonder if he still hears that narrator in his head.

Kathy Ireland ~ @kathyireland

She’s actually the first person who popped up on Twitter and made me say, “Gee, I haven’t thought of her in years.”  Good story huh?  Ireland spends most of her time talking about jewelry and other important things like skin care.  I seem to remember her being a big deal sometime during high school but can’t for the life of me remember why.  I’m sure me and the guys used to discuss how much potential she had as a marketer or something.  Oh, that reminds me, the Noxema Girl (Rebecca Gayheart) doesn’t have a Twitter page. 

MC Hammer ~ @ MCHammer

Hammer spends a lot of time tweeting about God.  This theme isn’t knew though.  I distinctly remember him saying “We got to pray just to make it today” about 20 years ago.  He actually got me thinking about how Twitter might’ve worked in the Bible.  I suspect the prophets of the Old Testament and missionaries of the New Testament probably would have used social networking sites to get the message out, but that’s an article for another day.

Ch-Ch-Changes: And It’s a Dance-Off

After putzing around with ideas for the past few weeks, the new format is about set.  The Monday Movie Match-Ups have proven popular enough to stick.  Only now they’re moving to Fridays.  I’ve gotta give another nod to Ironic Mom for an assist on the new title we’re going with: The Friday Flick Faceoff.  Film just isn’t as fun as flick, eh?

These features are running together.  Faithful Facebooker Arty saw the headline for this week’s Wikipedia Wednesday article Jack the Ripper and Sesame Street and thought he was voting for some strange movie match-up!  He said, “For the heck of it I would go with the Sesame Street Movie.”  Yeah, me too I think.

Before we get our Kevin Bacon on, I’ll just mention that my weekly article will now appear on Mondays.  I know, I know.  No one cares and yes I’ll wait whilst you alert the networks.  I was planning on making the switch to start 2011 until yesterday when a brand new course on American Government suddenly plopped in my lap.  I now have an entire prep for a new course to be taught over the next few weekends.  Hence the schedule change.  Okay, I believe we made it through that shocking development without the world spinning off its axis.

Time to cut loose and get your hair dirty. I don't know what that means.

Back to Ironic Mom and Arty.  How strange that they both suggested the exact same movie match-up, er, flick faceoff?  What are the odds that two people would suggest Footloose vs. Flashdance?  Well, I guess the odds would be pretty good had I been talking to Kevin Bacon and Jennifer Beals, but I digress.

Kevin Bacon has been well chronicled around the eduClaytion Nation, but I have to admit I didn’t know who Jennifer Beals was until I went to see Twister with Sister Sarcasm years ago.  She asked me if the one lady was Beals.  “Who’s that?” I asked.  Apparently everyone should know who Beals is since she took a shower on that chair in Flashdance.  Whatevs, I said.  I come from the Paula Abdul era.  She danced with a cartoon cat and took on an entire waterfall without any chairs. 

At any rate, we must not miss a chance to play 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon.  Flashdance star Jennifer Beals was in Twister (not really) with Bill Paxton who appeared in Tombstone with Kurt Russell who appeared with Mel Gibson in Tequila Sunrise (1988).  Gibson and Julia Roberts were in Conspiracy Theory (1997) together, and Roberts was in Flatliners (1990) with Bacon.  So there’s a tidy 5 degrees for ya to connect today’s faceoff.

So, I’ve never seen Flashdance, but I’m here to give the people what they want, and I’ve already had this faceoff suggested by people in two different countries.  Also, I like the alliterations of the Fs.

So welcome to the First Friday Flick Face-off Featuring Footloose vs. Flashdance.  It’s a dance-off. 

The Friday Flick Faceoff features films that somehow share a common thread.  Cast your vote anyway you like and don’t worry if you’ve seen the movies or not cause in a true democracy you only need a pulse to participate.  Love to hear why you picked what you picked though.

Jack The Ripper and Sesame Street

On Wikipedia Wednesday I take the Wiki’s word for it about what happened on this date in history (give or take a day) and vamp up the rest to connect the events.  It’s okay.  I’m a trained historian.

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I wonder if Jack the Ripper was in a fraternity.  We’ll never know because he was never caught, even after taking the life of his last victim Mary Kelly–a.k.a. Black Mary–on November 9, 1888.  Black Mary shouldn’t be confused with Typhoid Mary who died on November 11, 1938 after a rough career as a cook who infected people with a potentially fatal disease.

I mention college fraternities because the first American one began at William & Mary (no relation to Typhoid or Black Mary) way back in November 1750.  The F.H.C. Society came complete with a secret handshake and famous alum like President Thomas Jefferson.  Originally a latin phrase, FHC came to stand for the Flat Hat Club.  The organization enjoyed a rebirth in 1916 while America prepared to enter World War I.

Speaking of The Great War, November 11th is Armistice Day, the anniversary of the official end of the war in 1918.  Three years later, President Warren Harding dedicated the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery.  Armistice Day is ironically called Remembrance day, ironic because few people remember it anymore.

Most people may have also forgotten (or never known) that yesterday was World Freedom Day, a day to commemorate the fall of The Berlin Wall in 1989, the official end to communism’s brutal 20th century reign as millions celebrated the defeat of some pretty evil business.  President Obama created controversy last year by refusing to attend the 20th anniversary celebration. 

Obama is traveling this week, however, to Asia.  Most folks don’t blink over our top executive traveling abroad, but Teddy Roosevelt made headlines in 1906 when he became the first sitting president to leave the country.  He visited Panama to check up on construction of his famous canal which begins in the Atlantic Ocean, the same body of water reached by Civil War General Sherman’s famous March to the Sea.  The most famous event of that march was the burning of Atlanta which happened on November 11, 1864.  Another great blaze broke out a few years later during the Great Boston Fire of November 9, 1872.

From the 1870s to the 1970s looks like Leo DiCaprio has a birthday tomorrow.  Born in 1974, you know Leo watched some Sesame Street which first aired on this date in 1969.  Little Leo would grow up to appear on multiple covers of Rolling Stone, first published on November 9, 1967.

Rolling Stone has covered some major shakers during its run, perhaps none as big as Nirvana who led the alternative charge of the Grunge scene in 1991.  The magazine featured the band on its cover in 1992 with frontman Kurt Cobain famously wearing a “Corporate Magazines Still Suck” t-shirt.  The Gen X trio wound up on the cover once again in 1993, this time sporting pinstripe suits against the banner headline “Success Doesn’t Suck.”  Unfortunately for Cobain, success wasn’t fulfilling and he made a third appearance on the mag’s cover again in 1994, this time in memoriam after his death.

On that first Nirvana cover of Rolling Stone, the magazine declared Seattle as “The New Liverpool.”  And to think there would never have been a Seattle had the state of Washington not been founded on November 11th, 1889, around the exact same time Jack the Ripper was slinking back into the shadows of history.  Well, there you go but this is all getting a little too depressing for me, so I’m gonna go read up on Cookie Monster.  You know that guy was in a fraternity. 

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Who says history is boring?  Follow me on Twitter @eduClaytion.

MMM: Sixth Sense vs. The Field

After two consecutive blowouts and a bevy of readers who hadn’t seen either of last week’s movies, I’m beginning to realize that framing these match-ups isn’t as simple as one would think.  Finding movies that are similar in some way is simple enough, but are they equally matched?  Moreover, are they films that most people have seen? 

Take this week’s selection for example.  A wise and Ironic Mom from north of the border suggested The Sixth Sense as a natural follow up to last week’s article about my family’s insistence on exposing me to dead people.  I agree with her.  But what movie best matches up against M. Night Shyamalan’s best work?

So committed am I to you, dear reader, that I actually pondered this quandary while soaking in a hot tub somewhere outside of Cincinnati this weekend.  See how much I care?  I’ve spent much of my life in hot water, figuratively and literally, and do some of my best thinking there.  One of the problems is that I’ve seen so many movies that it’s hard to judge what the average person has or has not viewed. 

My first thought was to go with Signs which I apparently like way more than most people.  That would pit two Shyamalan flicks against each other but might get lopsided.  Longtime friend WD suggested Ghost with Swayze and Demi.  That’s a strong pick, but I just don’t know.  Finally, multiple people said Beetlejuice was the way to go if you’re looking for the ghost with the most.  The presence of Winona Ryder alone makes that one a classic.  What’s a hot tub soaking blogger to do?

The solution came to me as I watched two jockeys fighting after this weekend’s Breeders Cup.  First of all, thank you for that.  So enjoyable.  Then I realized that in horse racing there’s often a heavy favorite and you can just bet the rest of the field.  That means you take any other horse to win, no matter which one, as long as it isn’t the favorite. 

So as we put away the ghost stories of Halloween for another year, let’s give a nod to the horsies.  The favorite this week is The Sixth Sense, but you have to decide if you would take that over a very strong field of Signs, Ghost, or Beetlejuice.  I really don’t know what to expect.  Take it from someone who actually has seen dead people since he was a child, no matter what you select we won’t be able to make little men with whips fight again. 

UPDATE: Well, this one has gone back and forth and keeps pulling back even! I’ll leave the poll open to see if the deadlock will break.

The Monday Movie Match-up features films that somehow share a common thread.  Cast your vote anyway you like.  Don’t worry if you’ve seen the movies or not cause in a true democracy you only need a pulse to participate.  Love to hear why you picked what you picked though.

Visits With Dead People: Family Memories

“You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.” ~ Yogi Berra

I’ve been exposed to dead people my whole life.  As a high school and college student I worked in a cemetery.  Perhaps that course was set after a run of childhood vacations spent chasing down dead people.  Then again, maybe it all started when I was 4 years old and my family left me at the funeral home. 

You know that feeling when you can’t find your kid but you’re pretty sure you left them somewhere in the house or the store or the water park?  (If you don’t know what I’m talking about you may be a helicopter parent.)  Well, my mom got to have that experience about ten minutes after driving the family away from a funeral home.  With a dead person there.

Come to think of it, those old wagons kinda look like hearses.

For my part, I remember wandering around looking for the people that I had arrived with.  They were the same people I had spent my entire four years with–one mom, one aunt, two sisters, one grandma and her twin sister.  That was the whole list, so I didn’t need long to deduce they weren’t there.  The pack had moved on in our cursed beloved station wagon and left me there. 

You would be amazed at what 4 year olds are equipped to deal with (or remember for that matter).  As the situation sank in, I realized how dark this particular establishment was.  When you’re little, dark rooms can be intimidating.  Strangers are also on the “stay away from” list.  The deceased in this case wasn’t even a family member so the people there were unfamiliar to me.  Losing your family can also be stressful.  If you combine all that stuff and then throw a dead person into the middle of the room, you could imagine my reaction.  I ended up at the other end of the building in front of a massive window with sunlight pouring in.  Who knows when the sobbing had begun.

Some teenager found me and calmed me down.  I’m sure he explained that my family hadn’t left me to live in the funeral home with dead people who would eat me by nightfall.  By the time my family pulled up in front of the place, me and that guy were just hanging out on the front steps. 

I guess it sounds pretty bad, but what’s an afternoon of tears compared to a lifetime of laughter?  And therapy.  I’m kidding.  Writing is my therapy.  One of the things I love most about my mom is that she never failed to see the humor in this situation.  As I grew up and we occasionally reminisced about that day with laughter, I knew my future kids were doomed.  Try getting sympathy from a dad who was left with a corpse as a toddler.

President Obama & The Karate Kid

On Wikipedia Wednesday I take the Wiki’s word for it about what happened on this date in history (give or take a day) and vamp up the rest to connect the events. It’s okay. I’m a trained historian. People expect us to make stuff up.

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Let me take you back to November 4, 2008.  Barack Obama routed a weak challenger in a historic presidential victory.  Students rocked, Democrats rolled, and Juan Williams cried.  (He cried because a black man won not because he was afraid of muslims).  That’s as good a place to start as any on this Wikipedia Wednesday, one day after a historic election beatdown here in the states.  I imagine Republicans are today feeling like Democrats have after the past couple elections.

As a matter of fact, I bet President Obama is feeling a bit like Jimmy Carter did in 1979.  Carter had been elected in 1976 in a big way.  Students partied that night too, and pundits talked of a historic change.  By ’79, Carter became practically unelectable thanks to disastrous policies but also after 55 Americans were taken hostage in Iran on November 4.

I’m not sure how the future will work out for Obama but Carter lost to Ronald Reagan who, according to the Wiki, spent November 2, 1983 signing Martin Luther King Jr. Day into law.

Seventy years earlier, in 1913, the government smacked us with one of its nastiest moves ever when the income tax, that blasted creation, was introduced on this date.  To learn more about how I feel about taxes you should read my comparison between the IRS and tooth decay.

Speaking of painful experiences, World War I ground to a halt in 1918 as Germany’s pals in Austria-Hungary spent these couple days surrendering to everybody.  But happier days were on their way after November 4, 1918 because that’s when Art Carney was born. 

If you don’t know who that is just find yourself some reruns of The Honeymooners and one Mr. Ed Norton.  Carney was genius and you see his legacy everytime you watch the Flintstones Barney Rubble or Jim Carrey do a crazy leg dance or every whacky neighbor in sitcom history like Kramer from Seinfeld.

Carney kept Americans laughing during those scary days of the Cold War when the spooky Russians frightened everybody by launching their satellite Sputnik 2 into space in 1957.  On board was the first animal to enter orbit, a dog named Laika.  Yes, the first creature in space from planet Earth was a communist.  I’m sure Laika loved having all his hero doggy bones distributed to all his commie canine comrades.  America got the last laugh, however, when they successfully put Muppets in space some years later. 

It’s a little known fact (because it’s false) that Laika is actually the Russian word for “sweep the leg.”  What a coincidence because Ralph Macchio was born on November 4, 1961.

Yes, the Karate Kid will turn 50 and join AARP next year where he can wax on and wax nostalgic about how he was apparently already old when he played a high school kid.  He once took on social awkwardness and an evil sensai; now he must face arthritis and overactive bladder.  I’m sure Miyagi would’ve been able to help with that.

By the way, know who else turns 50 next year?  That’s right, President Obama.  His honeymoon with the American people seems to have come to an end and instead of a fun wacky neighbor he’s stuck with Joe Biden.  And while he doesn’t have to worry about communist animals in space, he should reconsider jacking up those taxes that have been so unpopular since 1913 or not even Mr. Miyagi will be able to save him in 2012.

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Make your own witty connections below. Follow me on Twitter @eduClaytion.

Monday Movie Match-Up: Inception vs. Avatar

Many of you realize that I love The Matrix.  Sure I’ve waxed philosophical over Neo in the past, but I was recently called upon to make connections between Morpheus and the gang and some psychological nonsense called social cognitive theory.  By the way, the one who asked was none other than the Mystery Mama.

So as I contemplated today’s match-up, I just didn’t feel like Leo DiCaprio’s latest film Inception really had a chance against the mastery of The Matrix.  What to do, asked I.  Then it hit me.

In the past year I saw Avatar (in 3-d) and Inception (in Escher-D).  Both movies were massively hyped; both had some good stuff.  I won’t tell you which one I walked away from thinking ‘That was brilliant!’ and which one left me all ‘I could have got some laundry done.’  I will tell you that both of these films had me thinking of Neo and Trinity.  Both of these movies are step-children of The Matrix.

I enjoy the whole idea that reality isn’t what you think it is.  As a matter of fact, that’s one of my driving philosophies in life, real life.  At least I’m pretty sure my life is real.  So go for it movie makers, even if you do want to use familiar ideas of plugging people into a different world where they can then control the movements of others and defy what seem to be natural laws.

So I’m not going to get snarky and point out any plot holes here.  I want to hear from you this week.  Which version of The Matrix did you like better this past year, Inception or Avatar?

UPDATE: I love the comments so far about not having seen movies! I forgot to mention there are no requirements to voting here. I don’t care if you vote because you like the word Avatar or because you hate James Cameron. Your opinion counts regardless of how you arrived at it, but do please continue to comment about that arrival!

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I’d love to hear what you picked and why.  You can also suggest future match-ups.  If you prefer email send to eduClaytion@Comcast.Net.  Follow me on Twitter @eduClaytion.

Michael Myers vs. Facebook

Some movies have plot holes big enough for large blue people to fly through on mountain banshees. Sometimes we just don’t care. Other movies are developed from tightly woven story lines that made perfect sense. Until cell phones and the internet came along. I often wonder what would happen to certain films if they suddenly had to account for current technology like phones with texting and video recording or computers with social networking and mind-blowing apps.

For example, the first movie I always think of is It’s a Wonderful Life, probably because it’s one of the best movies of all time. You know Bert the cop, Ernie the cabbie, and the rest of the town wouldn’t have had such a hard time finding George if Mary could’ve just texted him. Instead of preparing to jump off the bridge, George could’ve just checked his messages. “Entire town pitching in to bail you out. Come home. Pick up some milk.” Of course, then it would’ve taken Clarence even longer to get those wings.

How about The Goonies? That flick would’ve been dead in the water beneath One-Eyed Willie‘s pirate ship if just one of those teens would’ve had a cell phone to call for help from the Fratelli’s hideout. Ah, the days when kids had no more technology than whatever Data could whip up (slick shoes baby). Does anybody even ride bikes anymore? Alas, we may never have met Sloth who, by the way, would’ve become a total internet sensation.

I also have a hard time imagining The Breakfast Club of today. Instead of a day filled with interpersonal communication and discovery about the similarities we all share, they would’ve just watched YouTube videos on their Droids and played Farmville.

Some Facebook peeps helped me out with this topic. Shirley C. came up with a great one just in time for Halloween with this offering:

Some Smelly History

I am a dork.  I actually get giddy over historical occurences and anniversaries and can even make meaningful connections out of seemingly random events.  This is why they pay me the less than mediocre bucks.  Allow me to demonstrate.

As a historian and Wikipedia junkie, I know things.  For example, I know that Philadelphia, Pennsylvania was founded on this date in 1682.  I suppose the civil thing here would be to celebrate the patriotic heritage of the town that was a cradle of revolution, the very city where our independence was born.

Flyers Team Motto: Maybe Next Year

But as a lifelong Pittsburgher and Penguins hockey fan, I’m more inclined to compare the land of Flyers to a porcelain toilet of which, I should add, the first one was built on October 28, 1885.  You say I am crass?  Well, I would much rather have a porcelain toilet than Philadelphia.

Speaking of smelly things (I’m referring to the Delaware River), the New York Harbor is kind of a big deal on October 28.  That’s the birthday of one Miss Statue of Liberty.  She was first dedicated by Grover Cleveland (yes, he was a president) in 1886.  Lady Liberty does show her age these days but looks pretty good considering she’ll be 125 years old next autumn.

The end of October has historically been a busy time in U.S. history.  One of the biggest events took place in 1919 when President Woodrow Wilson signed the Volstead Act into law.  That signature led to the Prohibition of alcohol for a decade and a half.  Seven years the later on the same day (October 28), the stock market crashed and sent America into the worst economic disaster in history. 

Even worse, the whole world tanked and we got fascism with characters like Hitler and Mussolini.  Moreover, in what has to be the best example of the law of unintended consequences, restrictions on liquor led to the rise of organized crime headed up by sweethearts such as Al Capone.  Wonderful how things work out when the government butts in.

"Bathtub Gin" wasn't the safest

Of course, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth over the laws against drinking so people quickly scored exceptions.  Doctors were allowed to use whiskey to treat patients, people were allowed to make a certain amount of booze from home, and catholics were allowed to slug vino for communion.  I wonder if they added beer nuts to make the transubstantiation complete. 

As you can imagine with so many people drinking homemade concotions, plenty of folks got sick around this great nation.  Good thing they had porcelain toilets.  Or the Delaware River.  Now you know.

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Did you know history was so informative?  Will you now discourage loved ones from a liberal arts degree?  Follow me on Twitter @eduClaytion.

Monday Movie Match-Up: Gump v. Button

I went to the movies the other night, but the theater caught on fire or something and they made everybody leave while emergency units putzed around for problems.  That sent me to another theater where we took in The Social Network, someone’s version of how Facebook got started.  I kind of had my mind blown when I was updating Facebook while watching a movie about the creation of Facebook.

My life has been a bit movie-centric lately after helping a friend run a couple of movie festivals.  Well, I love movies and people like to talk about them, so let’s bring a little Facebook action over here to the Educlaytion Nation.

We’ll put two movies up against each other and let you decide for all-time which is better.  There is no right or wrong answer unless I don’t agree with you. 

First up is Forrest Gump vs. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.  I’m especially excited about this first match-up because I get to show you the hilarious video The Curious Case of Forrest Gump.

You can also take this as a chance to practice for the upcoming elections.  Unfortunately, I know of no political candidates I would rather have running government than either of these two characters.

UPDATE: Wow, looks like Gump runs away with it after a jump from the mid-80s to over 90%  in the end.

Related Articles

• Longing for the Lines That Had Us at Hello (gointothestory.com)

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I’d love to hear what you picked and why.  You can also suggest future match-ups.  If you prefer email send to eduClaytion@Comcast.Net.  Follow me on Twitter @eduClaytion.

Confessions Of The Mystery Mama

My friend grabbed my attention recently when she told me about the time she had to destroy all the peanut butter.  That was just the beginning.  She’s had to go after liquor and noodles too and has probably bought more cigarettes than the Rat Pack even though she doesn’t smoke. 

Call her The Mystery Mama.  We can avoid any potential lawsuits that way.  She’s worked some interesting jobs including one as a quality control coordinator responsible for physically acquiring and destroying recalled goods of all types.

Quality Control: Old School Mompreneurs

As Toyota and Fisher Price have reminded us recently, companies occasionally have to get defective products off the market.  The same thing happens for manufacturers of food products and more.  Until recently, I never gave much thought to how those things were rounded up.  That’s where The Mystery Mama comes in. 

You would probably be surprised to know just how much peanut butter could be eliminated in one day by an enterprising mom.  “Peanut butter was a headache,” she says matter-of-factly.  Kids in tow, she drove from store to store snagging up all the recalled peanut butter in town.  Each jar had to be opened, foil seal removed, and squished out into dumpsters.  I’m sure that process smelled wonderful.

She had my attention and began rattling off some of the wildest minivan tales I’ve ever heard, like the time some lunchy meats were contaminated by listeria, a nasty bacteria more deadly than salmonella.  An outbreak a couple years back was especially bad.  Some of the listeria meat made its way into Lunchable type packs.

Mystery Mama raced all over town scooping up boxes of these things until her minivan was packed.  At the distribution center, they packed brown boxes of the stuff in her vehicle until losing visual on a kid or two.  The final boxes were thrown up on the luggage rack!  She was told to open each unit and dump the contents into dumpsters.  Yeah right.

Apparently the thinking is that if left packaged, some unsuspecting dumpster diver might come along and figure they just found lunch but would really end up with listeria.  Dispersing the contents would discourage people like the Freegans I wrote about recently.  We kind of agreed that if you’re gonna eat out of a dumpster you kind of deserve to get listeria. 

Psycho Coaches, Snoop Dogg, & Spider-Monkey Parents

What is it about youth sports that can turn seemingly normal members of society into psychopaths?  One minute you’re sitting in the bleachers enjoying a nice game of pee wee football when all of a sudden some woman from the stands is lying on the sidelines covered in blood, her nose broken by a football coach.  I think I speak for middle America here when I ask the probing question: What does this have to do with spider monkeys?  Let me back up.

I’ve been around youth sports for a few years now, football for 8-12 year olds in particular.  Last weekend I took in the first half from the opponents sideline, just behind the other team’s coaches.  After watching a season’s worth of games, I had already seen the rantings of some crazy people who are apparently justified by virtue of being football coaches.  I’ve had a lot of coaches in my life.  Yelling and screaming is sometimes necessary as urgent moments will arise.  There is a difference, however, between intensity and psychosis.  I think we’ve blurred that line a bit much.

So there I am the other day, taking in the game, when a receiver on my boy’s team catches two deep balls in a row and scores.  Judging by the reaction of the sideline coach, you would’ve thought his defensive player had just lost the Super Bowl, only instead of just losing the world championship, this coach would have to be strapped naked to an outgoing missile.  He looked like a crazy person.  A rather large crazy person.  The kids on the field were 9-years-old.  Despite sitting there by myself, I made a comment which he heard.  He turned and glared, a rather large glare.  I held my ground and returned a Forrest Gump glare, you know the one where Jenny gets on the bus in D.C. and the psycho boyfriend looks back.  It’s the kind of look that says learning disability or not, I will fight you in the middle of a Black Panther Party.  Imagine if he had been coaching my boy.

That brings us to crazy parents.  You know who you are.  Actually, you probably don’t because many psychopaths are delusional. 

How do I even set up the scene that took place in Ohio this past week?  It all started at a game of the Wee Aviators of Vandalia, a suburb of Dayton.  Things were said in the stands, tempers flared, a coach became involved.  According to reporter Cornelius Frolik (I swear I am not making up his name or story), Coach Jeff Starnes was attacked by a crazy woman while confronting her for some nastiness toward a teenage girl. 

The woman jumped on the coach’s back and started punching him in the head.  According to Brian Baird, a parent accompanying the coach into the parking lot confrontation, “She jumped on him like a spider-monkey and started wailing on him.”  Seriously.  The situation got way out of hand when the woman’s partner, who is on dialysis, got pulled into the fracas and ended up being kicked until his pelvis broke.  The coach took care of his female attacker by breaking the woman’s nose.  Whether he punched her in the face or acted in self-defense is in dispute.

I’m sure the coach shouldn’t have pursued the woman and her companion out of the stadium.  On the other hand, any woman who goes all spider monkey on someone in public is clearly in need of some anger management or at least a few anti-psychotics.

The Greatest Homerun Ever

When you grow up in Pittsburgh and part of your childhood dream is to play professional baseball, there are certain names you learn before ever hopping out of the crib. Stargell, Clemente, and many others really meant a lot, especially when this city had an actual professional team.

Here’s a little midweek treat because today is the 50th anniversary of the greatest home run ever hit in baseball at any level. (You can try to argue with me, but you’ll lose). I’ve seen this clip hundreds of times but today is the half-century marker. At 3:36 in the afternoon on this date, the unlikely hero stepped to the plate and made history in the final game of the 1960 World Series. Maybe one day we’ll be able to enjoy meaningful baseball in the Burgh again.

Here’s what thousands of kids have dreamed about for more than a century. It’s the World Series. Game 7. Bottom of the 9th. Tie game. You step to the plate. One swing can make you a legend. You hit the ball out of the park for a walk-off world championship winner. Only one man ever actually did it.

Related Articles

• Bucs to honor Maz on anniversary of blast (mlb.mlb.com)
• This day in baseball history (powerlineblog.com)

Cemetery Daze and Dracula’s Trap Door

I’ve buried a lot of people.  Literally.  They were dead, but for me it was a living during my days as a young college student/cemetery worker.  You may think that’s freaky, but we did other stuff too, like digging bodies up sometimes.  In the rain.  Yeah, I guess that is kind of spooky.

Have you ever thought about all the jobs you’ve held?  The cemetery may have been one of my more interesting occupational stops, but it certainly wasn’t my last.  From paperboy to professor, I’ve seen my corner of the world from loads of different angles.

Exactly how many jobs does the average person work in a lifetime?  I was going to use my journalistic skills to seek out the answer from the Bureau of Labor Statistics but that seemed really hard, so I just asked people on Facebook and Twitter instead.

A healthy thread yielded answers ranging from about 4 to 19 jobs with the average responder working more than 10 jobs to date.  How many have you worked?  The criteria wasn’t strictly established, but I would say a job that produces pay for any period of time counts.

My list is long.  I stopped counting at 23 paying jobs even though I might be able think of more.  You could look at the number of jobs you’ve worked as a positive or negative.  Sure, I’ve bounced around a lot, but a bunch of them were meant to be short term.  Also, I bought myself a Nintendo when I was 10 with my paper route money.  That’s legit.

I’ve planted grass, cut grass, and been responsible for overseeing people who smoke grass.  I’ve gone into flood zones and politician’s homes, both of which were potentially toxic.  I’ve done inside and outside sales.  I’ve even spent a night with a KGB spy.