Dear eduClaytion…

Greetings weary internet traveler. I see you have searched near and far for life altering wisdom. The answers you seek are here. I’ve been getting some disturbing strange great queries lately in my search engine results and wanted to share with you all how I go about making people’s lives complete without even trying.

I handle questions like bullets in the matrix.

I’m about to fulfill your day like a marathon on the USA Network. Search phrases appear in bold exactly as they appeared.

~*~*~*~

can you spend foreign money out of a cereal box

Yes but only if you’re dealing with the proper government. For example, you could use cereal box money for ransom if your family has been abducted by a group of mutinous pirates from Cap’n Crunch’s crew.

was kevin bacon in a porno

No. Stop asking me. But I understand why you keep ending up on my site for Kevin Bacon porn.

how to respond to email from someone you haven’t seen in 25 years

Well, that’s a pretty vague question. Is this person your long lost love/sibling/parent? Is this the person who tried to kill you by chasing you across the southwestern desert in an 18 wheeler? Then again it could just be the coordinator for your 25th class reunion. Tell you what, just to cover all the bases reply with the following message:

“Dear person from the past. I’m sorry but [insert your name here] is dead. What was it you wanted?”