eduClaytion Went To The Oscars
I never planned this type of running log. It just sort of happened. I managed to get real work done with one eye on the tube. Here are some of the thoughts that spilled out of my brain and onto the screen.
I'm willing to brave the fire for you, dear reader.
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8:06—The Red Carpet is as close a rendering of Dante’s Fourth Circle of hell as you’ll ever find.
8:07—Oh yeah, that’s why I never watch this stuff. How could I forget.
8:??–Beware Christian Bale. Stay out of his lighting and steer clear of his beard. He hides death in there.
8:13—Just when you think Nicole Kidman can’t become any more unlikeable she looks at husband Keith Urban when asked if she gets excited about Oscars anymore and actually says, “I’ve never been nominated since I’ve been married to Keith so…” He must feel great.
8:25—Halle Berry calls herself “slave to fashion,” looks like she has to pee.
8:33—Opening montage. Hilarious!
8:41—I don’t suppose Devil will get any awards, but it was one of my faves last year.
Are those barnacles?
8:59—Supporting actress winner from The Fighter is super annoying and classless. I can hear I’m Gonna Knock You Out playing in my brain. She better never win anything again.
9:00—Just realized that The A-Team got zero Oscar buzz or nominations. Ridiculous.
9:14—Aaron Sorkin wins best adapted screenplay for Social Network. You know that’s right.
??–Apparently Matt McConaughey didn’t get the memo to not tan/bronze. Pasty white is in this year, and I am trendy.
9:53—Oops, forgot I was keeping a running log. My ADD doesn’t play well here.
10:00—How ironic that Cate Blanchett announces award for Costume Design while wearing a Happy Meal box.
10:12—Know what would’ve made this show more interesting? An Inception style stage.
10:16—This short film guy’s really funny! “I should’ve got a haircut,” he says.
Luke Matheny. Short Film. Funny guy.
10:18—Auto tune the movies is funny too.
10:22—Well, we made it this far without an overt political statement, but it still wasn’t that big of a deal. Enjoying the lack of political grandstanding.
10:45—This just in: Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t sing nearly as good as anyone else at the Oscars. Including Chuck (Zachary Levi from Tangled).
10:53—The In Memoriam part is always one of my faves. Bittersweet. But that will be enough Celine Dion for this decade.
10:57—I don’t know what this means, but I’m pretty sure I would look alright if I had Halle Berry’s hairstyle.
11:16—I was right about Natalie Portman winning, but it would be funny if the award went to someone like Angelina Jolie for Salt.
11:19—Ok, Portman is still talking. Blah, blah, blah, go away.
11:20–Congratulations to Nicole Kidman who has made it through the entire evening without taking her clothes off.
11:26—Okay Colin Firth. Great line: “I have a feeling my career has just peaked.” The world loves you for now though.
11:32—Anne Hathaway has more outfits than Rupaul.
11:43—It’s over. King’s Speech wins something else. This concludes the most consecutive, non-sports TV I will watch for the next year.
If it’s any consolation Inception, Social Network, & the rest, the Pittsburgh Steelers know exactly how you feel.
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Takeaway points
It would’ve been nice to hear maybe one overblown Hollywood type thank a fan or regular person. Remember us? We’re the ones who spend money we don’t have to see you perform lines you could never write.
The show was pretty tame, so no classic comedy moments, but I’m happy because we also didn’t have to deal with…
Annoying political rants. I really despise that stuff, the normal Academy fare. The absence of said soapboxing just happens to coincide with the absence of Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Leo, and Matt Damon, great actors all but bothersome as social commentators. Yes, there are some who know what they’re talking about.
Gotta give my mom credit for recalling this classic moment from 1973 when Raquel Welch and Gene Hackman were announcing the winner for Best Actress. Here’s the short clip on YouTube. You can skip ahead to around the 45 second mark to hear what Welch thought of political rants.
Here’s the background on Welch’s “I hope they haven’t got a cause” comment. Maybe she had a point.
Maybe I’m way off.
What do you think? Do you even watch?
What memorable moments do you recall from last night or previous years?
We can connect on Twitter (@ClayMorganPA) where you can also read the rest of my comments from last night.
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Life. Culture. Education.
Life as Pop Culture Professor Clay Morgan
In The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo he can take the blue pill and go on believing whatever he wants to believe. Or he can take the red pill to stay in Wonderland and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
This is a red pill type site that provides information in an entertaining way. It’s about clear thinking and good writing. It’s about finding meaning amidst the absurd. It’s about humor and truth.
I’m a writer / speaker who teaches history and political courses at a couple of local colleges. Where is local, you say? Well, that would be Wonderland of course.
On topics ranging from pop culture to the meaning of life, my brain’s always poppin’. Take the red pill and unplug.
EduClaytion 
Okay,I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in that top picture?
Anyway, I always plan on watching the award shows, and then I never do. So, thanks for the recap — I’m especially fond of what occurred at 8:25pm.
I’ll tell you what’s happening in the first picture – Clay’s jungle guide just gave him the ultimatum – “You throw me the idol; I throw you the whip.”
🙂 Only you would know that. You got it!
That picture up there? That’s just my average Monday morning. And she definitely had to pee.
“It would’ve been nice to hear maybe one overblown Hollywood type thank a fan or regular person. Remember us? We’re the ones who spend money we don’t have to see you perform lines you could never write.”
This is the line I feel every time I hear an actor talk in real life and remember they’re just a pretty person who learned to read.
Spot on, Watson, spot on.
Thanks Tyler. I’m not breaking any ground by pointing out how far out of touch Hollywood is compared to us regular guys, and by regular I mean other people who aren’t really superheroes (or villain in your case).
Best Academy Award non-acceptance, Sacheen Littlefeather who got up during the 1973 Academy Awards and refused the Award for Best Actor category for Marlon Brando in “The Godfather”. Marlon Brando refused to attend and asked Sacheen to turn down the award if he won for the the way indians are treated by our goverment and how they are portrayed in the Movies.. “The Godfather” is a Classic, Marlon Brando is a Classic, That award show was a Classic….. That’s my favorite Memory, from last night my memory is the “The Amazing Race”, alot more fun..
Yup Arty, that’s what preceded Raquel Welch using that line. The whole Brando thing was a big fiasco I guess.
I didn’t watch the Oscars last night, they haven’t meant anything to me in a long while. Too much “blah blah blah” and kissing backsides for my liking for an industry that overcompensates financially for work that isn’t that difficult.
Give me even half of what Sam Worthington made for “Clash of the Titans” and I’ll run around in front of a green screen trying to look scared or angry!
All due respect to the profession, it can be arduous. I just think the award ceremonies are over the top. I can’t sit through those speeches. You’re right Clay; they don’t thank the fans enough anymore either.
I never watched one straight through until last night. I have to credit that feat to the existence of Twitter and blogging. Also, I had lots of other work to occupy myself with. Yup, they’re out of touch.
“10:00—How ironic that Cate Blanchett announces award for Costume Design while wearing a Happy Meal box.” Best. Line. Ever.
Two Oscar moments I’ll always remember:
Sally Field: “You like me…you really like me!” 1985
Jack Palance doing one-armed push-ups. 2004 (he died two years later).
Wendy
I feel I’m qualified to comment on fashion on account of my pulse. I know the Sally moment well, but I remember the Palance push-ups. That whole ongoing thing was hilarious between he and Crystal.
Wow…you watched the whole thing! I only watched 25 minutes or so.
I was glad Christian Bale got an award, but I’m totally with you on the beard. I heard it’s because he’s not filming anything right now. Someone cast him quick!
I watched so you don’t have to. See how much I care?
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That’s quite an interesting commentary.
I didn’t watch it but then i don’t watch TV. Lol
I’m usually with you on the lack of TV watching, but I went in for this one. Fortunately my retinas didn’t melt.
I watched for about 15 minutes. Otherwise known as “enough.” I used to be an Oscars watcher and might be again–depending on the host. Just not into it this year.
I was never really interested in watching the full show, but the prospects of wisecracking for 3 hours enticed me.
I didn’t watch but I heard was there was no mention of Corey Haim and no one wore one of those gowns that make them naked when a flash goes off. A shame on both counts.
I just realized that you’re absolutely right! No mention of Haim for sure. Just another point that they’re out of touch with how regular people think.
I had THE best time watching the Oscars as I watched with six friends on one friend’s Facebook page. Omigosh. We were smmokin’. Our comments were brutal. And we called for tinkle breaks.
And we were waaaay funnier than Portman and her stoned sidekick.
And I think we will have to agree to disagree: the opening montage? Not funny. Nothing was very funny. Which is why it was so frickin’ enjoyable.
There was a minute when Billy Crystal came out that much of America hoped he would single handedly save the show. I’ll take Bob Hope again. But I did find the opening amusing.
I’m so glad I skipped the show and read your running log, instead. From what I’ve heard, it’s much more entertaining. In fact, I think we need to start a grass roots movement to have you host the show next year. Who do you want for co-host?
Oh, please let it be Kate Beckinsale. Okay, that was selfish of me. Diane Kruger pretty please? Sorry, there I go again.
Realistically (because I clearly have a chance at hosting next year’s show) I would want Zachary Levi (Chuck) or Joel McHale (Community). Or James Roday & Dule Hill (Psych), the 2 funniest actors in America who most people have never heard of.
Bring on the grass roots baby.
Personally, I miss a good political rant by someone who is overpaid to recite a few lines on cue. It’s always funny to hear people talk about a subject they have little to no knowledge about. Kinda like when I was in college and loved to relate every topic back to ancient Rome. The professor just smiled and nodded. I was too young to know what a PhD in Classical Studies and Archeology meant. At the time, I thought it was just that he liked Beethoven.
I know. I was once that person too in undergrad. I want to just stab myself when I hear those actor’s rant like fools though. Thanks for stopping by.
Dammit, I leave for a few days and this is what happens. I know it’s lame, but watching the whole shebang is kind of a tradition and I was really bummed not to see it (I don’t have real TV right now). So I’m totally jealous, even at this late date.
Well, I provided all the relevant recap. Also, I’m wondering what fake TV is.
Hilarious, Clay. I missed many of your tweets in real time because I was having trouble multitasking (watching Oscars, tweeting, talking to 5 people, and having a beer).
Twitter makes mass TV watching more enjoyable, but you were loyal staying up to midnight.
As for me, I like the occasional political comment. I like to see who makes them. Generally they’re lip service, but they’re slightly more entertaining than the thank you lists that end in orchestral drown out.
You were right about the fans being forgotten, though.
I found the same difficulty keeping up with all the different people I knew. But I still had some fun. I don’t mind people having a cause. I just prefer informed sincerity when I hear about it. Some do; some don’t.
Watched it all but I do every year. Loved the intro but thought James Franco was a stiff for the rest of the show. Mccounaghy looked weird, sort of creepy scruffy. Bring back Billy Crystal or Whoopi!
Many people agree with you on that. Thanks for commenting!
[…] Clay Morgan does a much more entertaining job with the Oscars than the show did. eduClaytion Went to the Oscars […]
I used to watch the Oscars, back when Billy Crystal hosted. Then I too got tired of the speeches and of waiting all night through awards like Best Key Grip and Best Pre-Movie Dancing Popcorn Animated Short just to see which movie won Best Picture. Your entertaining summary saved me eons.
As I say in the post, I braved the evening like Dante holding Virgil’s hand. Glad to help.
[…] Best Oscar recap: Clay. A walk through of the Oscars, minute by minute. Much more entertaining than the real […]
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