I Hate Valentine’s Day

“I got a bulletproof heart. You got a hollow point smile.” ~ My Chemical Romance

Valentine’s Day is here. Again. Oh goodie. Can somebody please pass me the chainsaw.

As far as holidays go, Easter has the market on resurrection, but I’d like to argue that Valentine’s Day is the real zombie of the bunch. No matter how many times I kill it the thing just keeps coming back.

This is how they come at me on Valentine's Day

I’m not going to even let myself start down the heart-shaped path littered with jewelry commercials. Sappy advertising and terrible movies are just some of the smelly grave clothes clinging the rotted flesh of this monster.

I’m a real bowl of cherries eh?

Now that I’ve gotten myself into the proper frame of mind it’s time to figure out what movies go best with a day where love means buying overpriced crap because some companies say so.

That means we’re talking about chick flicks. Glurg. Don’t get me wrong, I like movies from every genre. Of course I love humor and brainless action flicks, but the greatest movies of all time are dramas. I can even get down with a chick flick here and there, particularly if they’re funny but especially if they’re well written and tell a great story.

But spare me the melodrama. I’m far too much of a realist to appreciate the way most of that drivel ends. 

The problem is that like most men, I’ve spent many nights being forced to watch some glorified Lifetime movie of the week. Look, there were enough of those on TV during the Sunday evenings of my childhood. Back then they all starred either the mom from Growing Pains (Joanna Kerns) or Meredith Baxter-Birney (Family Ties). I know.

So we boys learn early and often we will not be enjoying movies like Beaches anytime this side of eternity. We’re like Fred Savage in The Princess Bride. He just wants grandpa to tell the story and not bother with all that stupid mushy stuff.

Yes, I get it. I know we have to play the game and pretend whether or not Drew Barrymore gets kissed. But, for me at least, it is torture when I could find 500 incredible dramas with love stories and honest to God plot and character development. Well, the mushy market is massive and Hallmark is a behemoth.

So we get Valentine’s Day.

I’m obviously not the best guy to hang out with if you’re trying to get in the mood for some V-Day love. Guess what? I know my weaknesses. That’s why I went to Facebook where my qualified friends came up with dozens of super suggestions. Thanks everyone!

I also got a suggestion from Fallen Angel on Twitter about a movie called I Hate Valentine’s Day which I have not seen but appears to be the follow up to My Big Fat Greek Wedding. The Facebook gang offered lots of great suggestions. I tried to narrow it down to the most well-known. And try as I did, I was unable to work in Junior, Godzilla vs. Mothra, or Philadelphia. Sorry Perry, Doug, and Karl. Funny though!

I'm a master of subtle metaphor.

Speaking of funny, one half of this contest is for romantic comedies. The old RomCom (don’t get too excited WoPro). One actor I appreciate in this arena has always been Hugh Grant. The readers of FB agree on at least one of his flicks, Notting Hill. 

The other side of this beast is that weepy realm of tearjerkers. I also call this genre ‘Crying and Dying’ films. Movies that got me choked up were Braveheart and The Green Mile. Big Fish also got to me but notice the absence of love stories in those flicks.

So we’re in good hands with the collective suggestions of my Facebook friends. By the way, dear reader, feel free to find me there as well. Go ahead and make your picks. Stand by them like Forrest with Jenny.

For those of you who harbor dark feelings about Valentine’s Day won’t you join me for a very special screening of that cherished and heartwarming tale: My Bloody Valentine. Now, where’s my chainsaw?

 

The Friday Flick Faceoff features films that share a common thread. Cast your vote anyway you like and don’t worry if you’ve seen all the movies or not. Love to hear why you picked what you picked though!