I Know You’re Cheating On Me!
I see you. For some reason you don’t think I do, but I do. And I’m not alone. There are many of us watching you. We see what you are about to do as clearly as if we were watching a movie we’ve seen a hundred times before. You are cheaters, and we are teachers.
Growing Pains, 1986. Mikey Seaver gave me my first lesson in cheating.
Once you teach long enough, student behavior begins to become predictable. Each person is unique, but patterns aren’t so surprising after a while. Some semesters I feel like Neo in The Matrix, seeing through the facade. You can almost create psychological profiles on people just based on what seat they select when entering a classroom, usually enough to generalize personality anyway. This science isn’t exact, but it’s amazing what a little psychology will do for an observant teacher.
Then there’s the detective side of the job. I imagine that police investigators just laugh as they predict the next three moves of some criminals. That’s kind of how I feel when I watch batch after batch of new students flow through. Sometimes you know what they’re going to try before they even conceive the plan.
Teachers always share their best stories with each other, and that includes ridiculous cheating tales. One of my favorites it of a student who acquired a research paper from the internet. The pitiful plagiarizer didn’t change one word including the name of the person who actually wrote the thing! Most cheaters aren’t so hopeless, and I might not get you all, but here are some of the stereotypes I’ve identified from a lifetime in the classroom. Remember, teachers were once students too.
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The Peeker
Peekers are non-committal cheaters. They want to just have a look, a quick glance. I think most peekers are just thinking when their eyes impulsively dart next door. They’re funny because when they make eye contact with me they do this 360 head roll as if they just needed to knock out some in-test calisthenics. Peekers can also graduate to become…
The Starer / Leaner (Giraffing)
No, your hair doesn’t hide your eyes. Yes, it is super obvious. Yes, it makes me crazier than all the others. Yes, I do grade all of your work with extra scrutiny for the rest of the semester. I just don’t understand how you folks can sit there reading the next person’s test for long periods of times. You always freak out when you look up and see me, so why bother?
Old School Giraffing
The Couple
The old-fashioned term would be confederates, having a partner in crime. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen boyfriends and girlfriends try to carry out schemes, but any two or more can play. This must be a fun part of college courtship as those with eyes for each other fall deeper in lust over plans to cheat on upcoming exams. Some friends on Facebook helped me out this week with tales of hand signals and elaborate note passing schemes. I love it when friends miss the same 6 questions with the same weird answers.
The Techies
I hear you can have Microsoft Office on an iPhone for $15 making it easier than ever to palm everything you’ll need to know for the exam in one simple spot. Audio recordings via ear buds are also possible with this crowd. Facebook friend Shawn went low-tech with an answer sheet inside the plastic wrapping of a water bottle. How does one get an answer sheet you ask?
I remember an anthropology professor from my alma mater who never changed his tests. Students just passed them along from year to year, memorizing the multiple choice answers. I wouldn’t say I was a part of this legacy, but I would imagine you could write 25 letters in order along the spine of a pencil.
The Skipper
This person misses test day with a plan to see graded and returned versions from friends so they can memorize all the answers for a retake. Many teachers don’t allow makeups, others have alternate versions. I like to keep the same test but move answers around. If the correct answer to a question was C maybe now it’s A and other sneakiness. This way the regurgitators get all their memorized answers wrong. I’m amused. They lose.
Body Writing Too
The Plagiarizer
This method is both boring and common. Experienced teachers can usually pick out plagiarism from across the quad. That said, you know we have plagiarism software that searches every written word in history for us in a matter of seconds right?
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While cheating is a serious offense that can result in failure and expulsion, most cheaters do poorly anyway. They always seem to copy off of other poor students. I also have a “you’re only cheating yourself” attitude. As a teacher, I’m way less interested in test scores than actual critical thinking the rest of the time. If you show up for class and pay attention my tests won’t be too tough. I can’t speak for other teachers out there, but I would love to hear your experiences.
I’d also love to hear your thoughts dear student. But if you’re mine, I see you. If I am sitting at my desk reading or typing something on the computer, I still see you. When a student comes up to ask a question and you think I can’t continue to scan the room, I see you. You can try to keep on gaming the system, but don’t be fooled. You’re not bringing anything new to decades of shady, classroom tactics. I still love you to death, but I see you.
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Got thoughts? I want ’em. I’m on Twitter @ClayMorganPA.
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Life. Culture. Education.
Life as Pop Culture Professor Clay Morgan
In The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo he can take the blue pill and go on believing whatever he wants to believe. Or he can take the red pill to stay in Wonderland and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
This is a red pill type site that provides information in an entertaining way. It’s about clear thinking and good writing. It’s about finding meaning amidst the absurd. It’s about humor and truth.
I’m a writer / speaker who teaches history and political courses at a couple of local colleges. Where is local, you say? Well, that would be Wonderland of course.
On topics ranging from pop culture to the meaning of life, my brain’s always poppin’. Take the red pill and unplug.
EduClaytion 
Well I say in the front, not because I liked History, because I really didn’t until taking your class, but cuz of PTSD. I can laugh now but I chose that seat because it was the farthest from the door but closest to an exit…that’s how my brain works haha, SURVIVAL! And on the cheating note, a trick that I left back in my high school days was to write multiple choice answers on a slip of paper, roll it up and run a straightened out paper clip through it, attach the opposite end to my eraser, then carefully slide the paper roll into my smokey clear click pencil…wha-la twist for answers haha.
So you were a low-techie. I never knew about your seat selection, but the room was definitely safer with you in it. I have a class now with 3 marines in it. I’m not worried about anything.
Brent: Moving forward it’s “voila” – French. You can check for it on Wikipedia. Sheesh.
I’ve been teaching English on the college level for twelve years now, and there are times that I wish the Internet did not exist. Whenever I get a good essay, there is always a part of me that wonders if it came from some site on-line. Of course, the plagiarized essays tend all to have the same tone, and Google does help a lot in finding the sources. My quizzes and tests mostly require essay answers, so that reduces the ease of cheating.
The worst part about cheating is the corosive effect that it has on my relationship with my students. I want to trust them, and I want to hear their voices. Cheaters damage that.
I agree. This job makes you more skeptical as you go. You’re right about essays reducing cheating. I’ve had papers that I can type one sentence into Google and the whole paper comes up! That’s before I even started using the plagiarism checker. Thanks for your input.
Love it Clay! The pictures are great too.
Thanks for stopping by. I know you loved the Growing Pains picture. Mikey Seaver was the man.
LOL at these types — very true.
I don’t have the “only cheating yourself” attitude, probably because the plagiarists I’ve caught were baby sociopaths who showed no remorse and deserved no pity. I’m all for the policy one college has, where you get an extra-special F(x) to indicate you failed for cheating. Or better yet, a scarlet P. There are some people you just can’t trust, and that deserves some sort of social penalty.
Also, when it comes to tests, I considered it an unforgivable waste of my time to have a rewrite a test for each twit who wanted a “make-up”. So I just didn’t allow it. And yup, in the last couple of years I was one of those teachers who didn’t change their tests, even knowing what students could do with that, because they weren’t paying me nearly enough to put in the extra hours it would have taken. So maybe the apathy balanced out the my hardass tendencies.
Other teachers I know have had dumb/accidental plagiarists, and I can see how this would make you a tad more sympathetic to them. But that just wasn’t my experience.
Ooh, the Scarlet P. I like that. I take the “cheating yourself” attitude about the one that might get away with something. When I catch plagiarists it’s a whole different story. I am often told I waste time and do more than I get paid for. Those people are correct, but I haven’t stopped yet. I think we’re all aware of most of the stuff that goes on. The stereo types are so true.
These were all very interesting ways to beat around the bush when it comes to tests. I was definitely the peeker. Although I’m positive it was only to see how much further people were in the test than me, in a way it was a self-motivational technique.
I ❤ busting people when they cheat. I can't wait until research papers because there is always some loser who doesn't seem to understand that I am not interested in what other people think about his/her selected topic. I am interested in what he/she has to say about the topic of choice. My students do not understand how far I am willing to go to see if I can bust someone for plagiarism.
I am especially fascinating by cheating as a phenomenon culturally.
Since tattoos are so hot with the college crew right now, I LOVE the idea of tattooing them with a big phat "P" on their foreheads. (Although some of them might like it.)
I really do think that stealing others' ideas says something about the moral integrity about a person. That said, these poor souls see and hear about people cheating 24/7. The unfortunate part is that they really aren't learning. We have a nation of students that don't know how to think critically. They are paralyzed because their mommies and daddies have helicoptered and "helped" them with their work since kindergarten to the point of paralysis.
As an English teacher, it sucks to have to bust people, but I will do it. And I make Works Cited Pages worth 100 points because I believe giving credit where credit is due is THAT important. And they moan and they groan, and I don't understand it. They have their Diana Hacker style book right there. They can go to http://dianahacker.com/pocket and there are all kinds of exercises they can do to help them learn to cite properly. Why steal ideas? Put the ideas into your own words and cite them? Je ne comprends pas.
xoxoRASJ
Tattooing, now that is old-school — they used to tattoo criminals in ancient Greece for just that reason. But you’re right, they might actually think it makes them look badass or something.
And yes, the lack of critical thinking is truly frightening!
I was always a real stickler about citation too; ignorance of the law is no excuse and all that.
Thats awesome, Mike Seaver gave my first lessons in what to do
to fight the Antichrist when he shows up. I got Brad Johnson on speed dial
I remember this kid in high school posted his cheat sheet on the front of the podium where the teacher always stood then sat at the desk directly in front of it; thats genius
Forget genius, that’s legendary! Nerves of steel on that one.
[…] cyber-friend, fellow blogger and educator, Clay Morgan, recently wrote a very funny blog about how we teachers notice when our students cheat. And I laughed because it was true: There are […]
Ah plagiarism, how many times I’ve worrid that what I’m writing in an essay has been said before I’ll never know! Cheating, though, is infuriating! When I was in school, a good few years back now, I used to have the idiots always looking over my shoulder at my English essays, algebra answers and my waffled answers in Science. I mean everyone gets that feeling when they’re being watched, and it really does make me squirm. Sadly, I never had the guts to approach the ‘giraffes’, but I used to give them some hilarious answers in English and Science!
Cheating is so much easier in school, kids are always thinking of new ways to confuse and mind-boggle the system. but I’m glad the teachers, like yourself, are the ones that will always know – even if technology fails.