I Know You’re Cheating On Me!

I see you.  For some reason you don’t think I do, but I do.  And I’m not alone.  There are many of us watching you.  We see what you are about to do as clearly as if we were watching a movie we’ve seen a hundred times before.  You are cheaters, and we are teachers.   

Growing Pains, 1986. Mikey Seaver gave me my first lesson in cheating.

Once you teach long enough, student behavior begins to become predictable.  Each person is unique, but patterns aren’t so surprising after a while.  Some semesters I feel like Neo in The Matrix, seeing through the facade.  You can almost create psychological profiles on people just based on what seat they select when entering a classroom, usually enough to generalize personality anyway.  This science isn’t exact, but it’s amazing what a little psychology will do for an observant teacher.

Then there’s the detective side of the job.  I imagine that police investigators just laugh as they predict the next three moves of some criminals.  That’s kind of how I feel when I watch batch after batch of new students flow through.  Sometimes you know what they’re going to try before they even conceive the plan.

Teachers always share their best stories with each other, and that includes ridiculous cheating tales.  One of my favorites it of a student who acquired a research paper from the internet.  The pitiful plagiarizer didn’t change one word including the name of the person who actually wrote the thing!  Most cheaters aren’t so hopeless, and I might not get you all, but here are some of the stereotypes I’ve identified from a lifetime in the classroom.  Remember, teachers were once students too.

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The Peeker

Peekers are non-committal cheaters.  They want to just have a look, a quick glance.  I think most peekers are just thinking when their eyes impulsively dart next door.  They’re funny because when they make eye contact with me they do this 360 head roll as if they just needed to knock out some in-test calisthenics.  Peekers can also graduate to become…

The Starer / Leaner (Giraffing)

No, your hair doesn’t hide your eyes. Yes, it is super obvious.  Yes, it makes me crazier than all the others.  Yes, I do grade all of your work with extra scrutiny for the rest of the semester.  I just don’t understand how you folks can sit there reading the next person’s test for long periods of times.  You always freak out when you look up and see me, so why bother? 

 

 

 

Old School Giraffing

The Couple

The old-fashioned term would be confederates, having a partner in crime.  I don’t know how many times I’ve seen boyfriends and girlfriends try to carry out schemes, but any two or more can play.  This must be a fun part of college courtship as those with eyes for each other fall deeper in lust over plans to cheat on upcoming exams.  Some friends on Facebook helped me out this week with tales of hand signals and elaborate note passing schemes.  I love it when friends miss the same 6 questions with the same weird answers.

The Techies

I hear you can have Microsoft Office on an iPhone for $15 making it easier than ever to palm everything you’ll need to know for the exam in one simple spot.  Audio recordings via ear buds are also possible with this crowd.  Facebook friend Shawn went low-tech with an answer sheet inside the plastic wrapping of a water bottle.  How does one get an answer sheet you ask?  

I remember an anthropology professor from my alma mater who never changed his tests.  Students just passed them along from year to year, memorizing the multiple choice answers.  I wouldn’t say I was a part of this legacy, but I would imagine you could write 25 letters in order along the spine of a pencil.