Hollywood Ends It All

Dear Hollywood, please don’t butcher my childhood. Is Tinseltown running out of ideas? One movie after the next is a remake these days. Either originality is dead or old ideas just sell too well. I’m not gonna go trendy by condemning every remake ever made. Some of them are great, some even excite me, and some are complete letdowns.

Remakes don’t always fail. I was downright giddy over Superman Returns a while back, and they did a great job. Don’t ask me why the Man of Steel can’t get a sequel while the four most useless women in Manhattan can. Some franchises should go on for new generations, but when I told people I thought A-Team was so good I’d see it again some of them called me names. Some franchises should never be touched (Planet of the Apes or any Mel Brooks films). Some should just die (Charlie’s Angels).

Ain't no stopping the crane technique

The remakes just keep coming, too many to recap. The Green Hornet is here. We’ve already seen Star Trek, G.I. Joe, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, and Alvin & The Chipmunks (twice unfortunately). We’ve had to suffer through rehashes of The Pink Panther, Dukes of Hazzard, Beverly Hillbillies, Bewitched, and others I’ve managed to block out.

What’s especially noticeable now are all the 80s remakes. The current barrage includes a hefty list of gnarly classics so far. The Karate Kid, A-Team, Tron, Wall Street, Nightmare On Elm Street, Footloose, Clash Of The Titans, Pirhana, Miami Vice, and more are upon us.

If you think that’s something consider these movies in the works like Ghostbusters, Total Recall, 21 Jump Street, Knight Rider, Red Dawn, Romancing The Stone, Highlander, and Police Academy. Some of them might get stuck in development purgatory, but the trend is clear. What’s next? Would anyone dare try The Princess Bride? Where’s Clue? How about Dirty Dancing? Oh yeah, it’s called Step Up. Can somebody put a stop to this before we end up with a lame redo of Weekend At Bernie’s?

Complaining does no good, so why not be proactive and help the movie moguls target franchises wholly fit for resuscitation. Seems the execs are all over movies but what other TV shows are next now that The A-Team banked millions? Here’s a short list of 80s awesomeness we might as well see redone as long as it’s totally radical.

1. ALF–This one’s a no-brainer. Justin Bieber could play the feline-eating alien. Maybe work ALF into the next Cats & Dogs movie.
2. The Fall Guy–See, it’s a TV show about a stunt man who makes TV shows. Also he beats people up.
3. The Greatest American Hero–Well, duh, it’s already in the works. Genre? Superhero drama-comedy.
4. Any Mister Rogers and Mr. Wizard combination–Somehow MacGyver would have to get involved. Chemistry can be sexy. Right? Okay, do it in 3D. With Kate Beckinsale as Miss Wizard.
5. Magnum P.I.–Okay Matt McConaughey might have worked, not Ashton Kutcher.

Wait a minute. Most of the people I know haven’t heard of any of these shows. If only Hollywood would bring back more recent franchises. Well, they’re already working on Judge Dredd! Won’t be long now until a full-blown regurgitation of the 90s begins like Point Break (I kinda can’t wait).

Why not just remake everything? Let’s see them all done over. I’m lookin’ at you He-Man and Saved By The Bell. Where’s Ferris Bueller and Weird Science and The Breakfast Club? This is where the problem starts. First, the Brat Pack can’t be remade. Second, the Cold War is over. Third, can’t some things from my youth be sacred?

So why the remake craze? Could it be that Hollywood got scared during the writer’s strike a couple years back and now wants to protect itself by eliminating the need for new ideas from clever scribes by remaking the nearest VHS tape with CGI and explosions? Perhaps, but remakes also make loads of money.

It’s all about the bottom line and in this case that line is met as millions of Benjis roll in each time Tinseltown rehashes something from the past. The economy might be hurting, but you won’t see a dip in box office prices. Moviegoers in New York City are dishing out up to $20 now for 3D films. So for $80 (sans popcorn & drinks) a family of four can see How To Train Your Dragon while learning how to bankrupt your family.

When it comes to making the old new, a fresh spin is hoped for but not necessary. People are always trying to buy back their youth. Some argue that most movies are just hackneyed rehashes of the same old plot lines anyway.  A buddy comedy is a buddy comedy no matter what gender or race the pals are. Despite Hollywood’s clever rouse to turn Danny Glover and Mel Gibson into Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan, the people just ain’t buying. Apparently, it only took most folks 30 seconds of the Cop Out preview to see through a less than fresh spin that consisted of casting a white guy as the savvy straightman and a black guy as the zany loose-cannon. No wonder they’d rather go with a redo instead of garbage plot retreads.

It’s hard to say what will happen first, nationalized illiteracy or the apocalypse.  Maybe we can get a clue from this startling fact:  They are actually going to remake Look Who’s Talking. If that movie gets made and succeeds we can only assume the imminent demise of our country.  At that point, I would hope Texan-sized meteors were racing towards us because it will be over.  And not even The A-Team will be able to help.

Get more ideas on sweet 80s remakes over at REELZ CHANNEL

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What Remakes do YOU want to see? 

What are the best/worst out there?