Please Don’t Eat Yourself

A lot of what you read around here addresses tough questions. Hopefully that gets done in a unique and useful way. But sometimes it’s just more fun to address interesting questions, those mind-benders that only come from Google’s marvelous library of desperate searches such as the seeker who once asked the search engine:  “What if I ate myself?” A question like that just makes me love people even more.

Worried about eating yourself? We can help.

If you’re tuning into these parts late, I wrote an article a while back (Open Ended Questions & Pregnant Bowlers) about the fascinating ways Google attempts to complete your phrases as you type in the search bar. You’ve probably seen these phrases pop up as you start to type something. That article got a great response, so I started wondering what other gems might be out there.

I was not disappointed.

Still wondering how this works? All you do is start typing an innocent seeming phrase into Google such as…

Is it safe to…

Give yourself a point if you’ve ever wondered is it safe to A) swim in Lake Erie, B) leave butter out, or C) shower during a thunderstorm. Give yourself a diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder if you’ve wondered all three. I’ve personally survived this trifecta of terror, although you should be careful the closer you get to Cleveland. Sometimes the real fun begins when you click on these questions to find answers. From what I gather, showering in a thunderstorm is safe as long as you’re not in the Bates Motel.

Is it always…

Some disturbing questions start with these three little words. Apparently some Commandment breakers have asked the Great Google if it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere, wrong to lie, or illegal to kill a woman. I’m gonna end up on a watch list just reading this stuff! And in case you’ve come here for answers then yes, no, and just sometimes. And I won’t even begin to try to understand who asked “is it always wrong to perform futile cpr.”

Should I try…

This is a good question if you want to know every possible outcome from taking every possible illegal substance on the planet. Also can be used if you’re considering online dating or going out for the cheerleading squad. My guess is that you won’t be cheering atop human pyramids if you decide to try acid or shrooms. Although you might think you are.

Is it ok…

If you read my previous piece on these questions, you’ll recall how many of them had to do with pregnancies. Apparently pregnant women can add Googling to their list of strange cravings because they’re still at it. “Is it ok to dye your hair while you’re pregnant?” Yes. “Can you rock climb while pregnant?” Sure, unless you fall. “Is it ok to eat hot dogs while pregnant?” Is it ever ok to eat hot dogs? Tuna and shrimp are also fine.

Are expecting mothers really this neurotic? No wonder our kids are afraid of everything. I say we need more rock-climbing mamas. More of you should be jumping out of planes too. What should you expect when you’re expecting? How about extreme sports. We could be like Spartans without all the bloodlust.