God Bless The Onion

Here’s the latest NEWS IN PHOTOS feature from the beloved Onion.

‘Kennedy Curse’ Claims Life Of 77-Year-Old Tumor-Riddled Binge-Drinker

08.26.09 | Issue 45•35

Read This If America Confuses You (Especially If You’re A Chunky Criminal Who Dislikes Government)

How’s your diet plan going?  Imagine if the government were willing to pay you to get into better shape.  Nancy Gibbs puts out some interesting ideas in a recent essay for Time magazine called “The Bribery Agenda.” 

Since Cash for Clunkers was so over the top popular with so many Americans willing to trade in cars (that still ran fine) for government funds, Gibbs contends that Washington D.C. may have just figured out how to get people motivated.  Newsflash: give them free money.

Before I get to the part where I disagree with Ms. Gibbs, check out these gems she throws down in pointing to the ludicrous possibilities looming on the American horizon.  With plans already in the works such as Dollars for Dishwashers and a law to reward people for voting, what else might the government think of?  Consider a couple of her ideas.

• Cash for Chunkers: “We get to trade in that extra 20 pounds for a coupon good at the local farm stand.”
• Roads and bridges: “Why bother allocating $27 billion in stimulus money when we could pay people to reroute or, better yet, stay home?
• Criminals: “California plans on releasing at least 37,000 inmates to ease prison overcrowding and save $1 billion.  It costs $27,000 a year to keep someone in jail.  It would be much more efficient to pay thieves not to steal in the first place. [emphasis mine and WARNING: The rest of this article is super good.  You may not be able to handle all the knowledge bombs, so watch your step.]