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Half of you know exactly what I’m talking about, but about one-third of you probably don’t. Killer Tribes is the love child of Bryan Allain and his brain. Bryan is a fellow Pennsylvanifornian with way more experience at blogging than me. He also interacts with the Amish on a semi-regular basis. I’ve been following for the past few weeks as he’s been setting up this conference, and it’s impressive. I can’t even coordinate meals during long workdays.

I’m really excited to meet a lot of real live humans. Great peeps like Jess Buttram and Leigh Kramer will be there. There’s a rumor that even Knox McCoy will be there bench pressing stuff, but I might be making that up. I’m driving down with my friend Kim and am bunking up with the one and only Tyler Tarver, state laws permitting. We’re totally going to build a fort out of patio furniture in our room and then eat Chik-Fil-A in it.

Tyler already took care to explain what this conference is all about. I can’t really say it any better unless I try.

“Yeah, it’s got some great speakers and talkers and peoples and stuff, but it’s also going to be like a High School Reunion for people you wish you went to high school with that you talk to on the Internet.

I’m really hoping I show up and everyone is a 43 year old computer salesman with a mustache and deep breathing problems, just like me.”

Thanks Tyler. That pretty much sums it up and means a lot to me because I have deep breathing problems too, but in case you want to know more here’s a video that also won’t help although I laughed a lot at around the fifty second mark.

Those two guys in that video with Bryan with a Y are Tripp and Tyler also with a Y. They’ll be at the conference too which means we’ll be able to put captions under photos when we’re done that say “A good time was had by all” like my grandma used to not say when I was a kid.

Who else will be there? Jeff Goins, Derek Webb, Carlos Whittaker, and other people. Why even friend of the show TamaraOutLoud will be speaking there and brandishing her squirrel foot collection or something. Check out the complete lineup and register here.

I’ll be speaking at the conference too, just not from the stage. But I’ll speak back to anyone who talks to me. Unless my mouth is full of Chik-Fil-A. Then you might have to wait a second.

I should also point out that Sharideth of A Woman’s Guide to Women: A Blog for Men will be there. This might be of particular interest to whoever spent a day randomly searching the internet wondering if eduClaytion is really a secret front for Sharideth’s masculine side. This peculiar thought showed up on Ricky Anderson’s site as well as mine.

If we both show up then you’ll know the truth Chad. But if you never see us in the same place then it’s probably a Clark Kent/Superman thing and you should be suspicious.

But you’ll have to come to Nashville on March 31 to find out. Actually, you should come on March 30 for the Friday evening meet & greet. I have a meeting in the city earlier that day, so I’ll have to slip on my party dress and speed over.

Seriously, I can’t wait to meet everyone. And yes, I know I’ve been absent a lot lately and keep pretending that I’ll announce all the new stuff, but this time I really mean it. Everything should be revealed within the next week or two.

So who is going to Killer Tribes?

Have you ever stayed in a hotel room with people you’ve only fake met before?

That’s why I asked Rob Shep to take a look at something I wrote a few weeks back as I attempted to make sense of some modern day bigotry through the lens of zombie drama, a.k.a., zomdram.

If you’re into the sound of what I’m singing or like to pick the more philosophical side of my brain then please head over to Rob’s site and check out my article on Christians, Racism, and Zombies.

And even though I still think it’s a completely contrived and basically meaningless holiday compared to an anniversary or other personally meaningful day, go ahead and have yourself a Happy Valentine’s Day. Or don’t. I love you either way. Send Skittles.

For the past couple weeks I’ve heard from a number of ladies how much they can’t stand the arrival of Valentine’s Day. I’ve never heard this sentiment from so many women, but as a man I understand. We may have different reasons for resenting the big V-Day, but in the end a holiday like this can be more trouble than some people know.

But singles aren’t the only ones who might want to skip Hallmark’s day of love. It can be tough for people in relationships to live up to the hype, especially if you happen to know that guy as guest blogger Kevin Haggerty from The Isle of Man explains in this funny guest post. You can also find him on Twitter. Break it down Kevin.

~*~*~*~

It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow.

If you’re a girl, this is probably exciting news to you; especially if you are dating or married. It’s like a second birthday. For one day, night or maybe even a full weekend, you will be the center of attention.

Why? Because you’re a female. That’s it. No other reason. It might as well be called “Girlfriend and Wife Day,” cuz that’s what it is.

Think about it, when was the last time you heard a dude say something like: “Yeah, my wife is in the doghouse. She totally forgot to get me something for Valentine’s Day. She’s sleeping on the couch tonight!”

Answer: Never.

Which brings me to my point. Every year, pressure is placed on males to make this a special day. Kay Jeweler’s reminds us (in non-stop commercial fashion) that every kiss begins with them, which is interesting, because I’ve never had one kiss that did begin with them. In fact, they’ve never been any part of any of my kisses.

I digress.

We’re told we had better buy chocolates and flowers. We had better make dinner reservations and plan something unique.

We do our best, but, truth be told, it’s usually mediocre at best. We’re guys. We’re several steps above “Neanderthal.” Women are more evolved. I have no problem admitting that.

The problem for us “normal guys” is that there’s always some guy that we know who is trying to earn extra brownie points by being “boyfriend or husband of the year.”

We all know one. You took your wife to Red Lobster and a movie that you knew she’d like. It was thoughtful. So unlike you.

Not him. He wakes up doing thoughtful things. By the time his wife rolls out of bed, he’s got her coffee ready, along with a three-course, piping hot breakfast that is just waiting to help her usher in the day.

It’s sickening.

If that’s his game, a normal Valentine’s Day just won’t do. No, he’s got to go the extra mile.

While you’re opening the car door for your wife, so that you can escort her to Red Lobster, he’s holding his wife’s hand and helping her get into the hot air balloon which will take them to a Bed & Breakfast in Martha’s Vineyard.

Once they arrive, they will be greeted by a horse-drawn carriage that will take them along a candlelit path that is adorned by rose petals.

When they enter the B&B, her favorite song of all time will be playing. Not on the radio or a CD. No way. That’s second class. The Boston Pops have assembled to play the song in all its orchestral glory.

You bought your wife a teddy bear and a book that you knew she wanted. Again, this isn’t like you. You took a break from being a dude for a day and really went all out. You’re feeling great. Why shouldn’t you?

Until you find out what “Husband of the Year” picked out for his adored wife.

He bought her the new iPad that hasn’t even come out yet, as well as an all-inclusive spa package.

How? They couldn’t really afford it, but he made it work…somehow.

I’m gonna wrap it up by saying this: Don’t be that guy. Everybody hates that guy. Even your wife secretly hates that guy. Love her. Make her feel special. But you don’t have to raise the ceiling every year. It becomes impossible to top and, more importantly, it makes your friends and male family members look bad.

We appreciate your effort. It’s awesome that you love your wife. But calm down. For all of us.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Normal males across America.

So how do you feel about Valentine’s Day?

Ever seen a big gift backfire?

Hi everyone! *dusts cobwebs off website* I haven’t been around much lately but thanks to those of you who have sent me happy wishes to return soon. Jessica Buttram and I were talking about my necessary blogging hiatus when I hinted about how nice it would be to have a guest post from her brilliant little mind while I’m otherwise detained. She asked what she should write about. I told her that I love reading her stuff so much that she could write about her grocery list and I would be entertained. So that’s what she did! Sort of.

Jess is here today to break down the world of food shopping along tribal lines. She’s also from the South which is where I’m heading this afternoon as I fly to Florida in just a few hours to meet my newest nephew! Enjoy this guest offering from J Butt, America’s sweetheart and my hero. We may disagree on the legend of Walmart, but I would follow her to the murky depths of a clearance bin. Take it away Jess.

~*~*~*~

I spend a lot of time in grocery stores. I cater to two hungry man-childs, plus a very picky Bean who sprouts more each day. And thanks to my extensive Cheese Puff binge academic research, I have noticed a subtle but present hierarchy to these stores. And imma ’bout to fill you in.
At the very bottom of this hierarchy is the Untouchables. This is OBVIOUSLY Walmart. Common knowledge, right? I mean, show me a person who ENJOYS going to Walmart, and I’ll show you a person two steps and a Yorkie away from being on Animal Hoarders [Ed. note: I go to Walmart AND own a Yorkie AND can take a hint ].

Walmart is the festering sore in American capitalism. It’s Mad Cow Disease, which is a fitting metaphor, because every time I step foot in that place, my eyes roll back into my head, my lip curls into a sneer on its own volition, and I tend to push my cart up and down aisles rather violently. Also? I am perfectly okay with leaving said cart of destruction in the middle of the parking lot. I don’t return it to the corral, you guys, and I’M OKAY WITH THAT. It’s like I don’t even recognize myself.

The ONLY time I go to Walmart is on Thanskgiving Day because it’s the only place open and someone inevitably forgets to get the jellied cranberry sauce. Every year. The only other time I plan on going there is in case of apocalypse, because where else will you find industrial-size canned beans, bottled water, a hunting knife, and camo pants all in one place?

Then, skipping over to the Working Class, we have Food City. It’s the closest one to my house, and they have a gas station that gives you a 15-cent discount with your Frequent Shopper card, but they NEVER have Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! That’s a deal breaker, you guys.

Plus, they have these weird carts that place the child in the front seat LEVEL with the groceries in the back. Raw meat + carton of eggs / headstrong toddler within arm’s reach of it all = _______? I majored in math, so TRUST ME, folks. The answer is DISASTER. (I’ll also accept SALMONELLA.)